Thursday, May 04, 2006

Paint It Stupid

Uh-oh, Rock n’ Roll’s rumor mill is abuzz once again.

This time with the late-breaking news story that Rolling Stones legend Keith Richards has suffered a brain hemorrhage after falling from a palm tree on the weekend.

It seems that ‘ol Keef, currently on vacation in Fiji along with his wife, Patti, and bandmate Ronny Wood, has somehow managed to seriously injure himself by attempting to climb the tree to retrieve coconuts at the Wakaya Club luxury resort. Was he getting so impatient waiting for the cabana boy to return with his next margarita that he was compelled to climb up the tree to fetch his own coconuts?

Boy, the service at these luxury resorts must really suck.

All these years of substance abuse and now here’s the chance that he’s going to be taken out by a palm tree - not exactly the type of indigenous fauna that one would expect to befell the great Keith Richards. The world sure is a funny place sometimes.

Here’s a man who probably snorts Ebola virus just as a little pick-me-up between breakfast and brunch. Now, here he’s whining about “dull headaches” after a little tumble in paradise?

Wow – that’s some fall from grace. Literally!

The rumor also indicates that ‘ol Keef will now have to undergo a special operation to drain his skull before beginning the European leg of the Rolling Stones 'A Bigger Bang' world tour in Barcelona on May 27.

Just think of the thick, polluted goo that’ll inevitably drip out his noggin once the drilling commences - decades of partying and bingeing have surely liquefied most of brain by this point. It’ll be like spiking into one of Courtney Love’s veins, or perhaps more like when ‘ol Jeb shot into the ground and found his a bubblin’ crude…oil, that is, black gold, Texas tea.

But whatever it is that they find in there, I’m sure it’ll be toxic enough to warrant immediate concern from most world environmental lobbyists. At the very least, I’m sure Greenpeace will have staged protests going on outside the his operation room in order to rally support to discourage the possibility of any illegal dumping of this toxic brain waste.

On the other hand, I should be so fucking lucky if I were ever to end my life at the ripe age of 62 by falling from a coconut tree on some tropical island paradise. Shit, throw in a complimentary buffet lunch and, maybe, a rerun of Mr. Belvedere on the lobby television, and this would be my ideal way to finally shuffle off this God forsaken mortal coil when my time is up.

It sure beats being found on the kitchen floor in a pool of bodily discharge, eh?

Now no matter what the story really is, I’m confident that Keef will somehow triumph and cheat death once again. After all, the original wild man of Rock n’ Roll has outlasted and, so far, outlived them all. And he’s no stranger to injury either. In 1998, he broke three ribs and punctured a lung after falling from a ladder while reaching for a book in his library. In 1990, one of his fingers got infected after he punctured it on a guitar string. In both cases, the Stones were forced to postpone concerts. The man is even rumored to have undergone an entire body blood transfusion once.

You think drilling a little hole in his skull is going to phase him now? The man already has the mental capacity of a soggy Fruit Loop; no amount of further damage instilled to his head is going to be of any real bother.

Nothing short of a thermonuclear explosion is going to stop ‘ol Keef from going on with the show!

Palm trees be damned.


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