Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Amazing Disgrace

I have a new addiction in life: The Amazing Race.

What's not to love? Cranky-ass Amercians bitching their way around the globe. If that doesn't scream entertaining Reality Television, then I don't know what does. At the very least, it's sure better than a kick in the mouth with a golf shoe.

Compared to the other excruciating broadcast menutiae you find on television these days The Amazing Race is probably the least likely to induce you into a brain coma like that Dog the Bounty Hunter-slash-Dudley Dipshit guy. I'd rather spend the evening frosting Bea Arthur's pubic hair than be lured into watching this self-righteous mulleted moolyak round up another rough and tumble homeless person on the mean streets of Hawaii. Ooooo, real hero stuff.

"Cowabunga!", you queerbait.

It can't be denied that The Amazing Race, currently in it's ninth season, certainly has it's highlite Ugly American moments and quoteable quips. How many other shows offer you the insiders chance to follow teams of bumbling retards on a hurried trip around the world? Just take a look at this season's crop of winners:

Take "Life-long Friends" for example, Scott Braginton-Smith and John Lowe. Scott is a 41-year-old working in sales from West Harwich, MA. John is a 38-year-old wealth manager from Dorchester, MA. Both are more flaming than a hairdresser on fire. Thankfully, these two bitchtits were the first eliminated from the race and thereby secured the shows promise for all of it's future episodes. Honestly, the producers should have left their whiney asses back on the streets of Sao Paolo for being so pathetically helpless.

"Sisters" Joni Glaze and Lisa Hinds. Joni is a 44-year-old children’s minister from Katy, TX. Lisa is a 48-year-old realtor/artist from Santa Rosa Beach, FL. Great, two screaming holy rollers from the South; just what the world needs more of. But here, once again, the sweet stroke of luck has these two self-proclaimed "Glamazons" eliminated in a puddle of their own piss at the end of the second episode. Boy, the Lord may work in mysterious ways, but he sure knows how to make for exciting television! Pass them a wet nap and fade to black.

There's the "Mother And Daughter" team of Desiree Cifre and Wanda Lopez-Rochford. Desiree is a 24-year-old writer from New York, NY. Wanda is a 44-year-old corporate trainer from Smyrna, GA. As fortunate as we were to see Wanda conquer her fear of deep water at the Chaika Bassein, an outdoor Olympic training pool in Moscow, one has to wonder; if you claim that your fear is based on not being able to swim and then you suddenly start swimming normally after you jump into the pool from a highdiving platform, you must be a complete idiot.

I get the feeling that at each challenge, half of the people conveniently and dramatically claim it's their "worst fear ever". As in: 'my worst fear ever is diving to the bottom of a pool'. You know what my worst fear ever is? It's trying to find a something small, hidden out in plain site, but in a strange place I've never been before. Gee, I hope they never make me do that!

But I'll go along with it and suspend my disbelief momentarily for the sake of quality shit television - because the hot mom and daughter team were eliminated next anyways.

Now, oh yes, "Childhood Friends" Dani Torchio and Danielle Turner. Both are 22-year-old recent college graduates from Staten Island, NY. Affectionately known as the "Pinks", or the "Double D's". I'm not sure where the matching pink t-shirts and touques idea came from exactly, but it made them look like too penises bobbing through the alleyways of Palermo. These girls are the reason why all the world loves a good blonde joke.

"Auf Weidersehen"
, bitches!

Representing the boyfriend/girlfriend teams are "Dating Couple" David Spiker and Lori Willems. David is a 30-year-old musician while Lori is a 22-year-old Pizza Hut Manager. Whoah - a Pizza Hut Manager? Way to flaunt life's successes there Lori. Both are from Manhattan, KS. The schmoopy nerds in love. Now once you get over the impulse to stab yourself in the ear with a sharp object over the fact that these two spend more time in liplock than Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, you find that these two are quite amusing to watch. I can see what's behind the curtain on whats going on here. There is something in Dave's stoic unconditional love for Lori that just isn't right. Maybe it was the way he reduced himself to tears over how frustrated he got watching his love muffin assemble naked man parts in Greece, or the incessant nagging from the back seat - "I'm glad you're being so unilateral in thsi decision making" - but something tells me that Dave is about to snap and bitchslap Lori with a patened 'Ike Turner Special' over his being constantly henpecked. I was just beginning to anticipate the eventual fallout, when I blinked, and suddenly they too were eliminated.

And now we're down to the final contenders to the Idiot's Cup.

Not to be outdone, there's "Dating Couple" Yolanda Brown-Moore and Ray Whitty. Yolanda is a 27-year-old science teacher while Ray is a 31-year-old attorney. Both are from Chicago, IL. Say no more.

Next, "Dating Couple" Monica Cayce and Joseph Meadows. Monica is a 23-year-old student from Fayetteville, AR. Joseph is a 23-year-old homebuilder from Fort Smith, AR. These two are about as plain as white boiled rice with a side of dust bunnies and I look forward to toasting their ultimate demise in the race later on in the season.

There's "Married 40 Years Couple" Barry Lazarus and Fran Lazarus. Barry is a 63-year-old retired physician while Fran is a 61-year-old retired accountant. The couple lives in Silverthorne, CO. I like to refer to this team as "American Gothic". Something tells me that these two foagies are not what they appear to be at first glance. I bet they are really the type of people who secretly dabble in latex bondage wear and oriental fuck baskets in their bedroom dungeon at home. I half expect to see them on an episode of Kink on the Showcase Channel sometime. But I've actually been cheering for these old codgers. Not because I empathize or appreciate what they are going through in competing with the other younger teams, but because I enjoyed watching Fran dangle from a grappling line above a waterfall. That's some funny shit - let me tell you! Why is it that these two miss just about every sign or clue they look for? It's like watching Ray Charles work his way through a garden maze. But, somehow, they always manage to squeak in at second to last and thereby avoiding that looming elimination.

There's bosom buddies "Friends" Jeremy Ryan and Eric Sanchez. Jeremy is a 26-year-old waiter while Eric is a 27-year-old waiter. Both are from Fort Lauderdale, FL. It's all "fauxhawks" galore with "Team Hard On", the horny surfer twosome from the Spring Break capital of the world. Like you'd expect, these guys have all the culture and class of toilet bugs. It's amazing to me that these guys continue to finish at the top of the pack each week considering they have to stop and check out their reflections in every mirror, window, or other reflective surface that they may pass en route to their final destination. But you have to applaud their overall enthusiasm; "Damn! We have to beat those hippies!" Now thats the kind of no nonsense headcracking conservative competetivness that is winning the world over today, don'cha think? These are the two schmoes that I love to hate. Every episode I sit and anticipate the moment they get turned around and bump into an organized band of banditos in the middle of Buttfuck, Idaho who hack them to bits and make windchimes out of their genitals.

How about "Married Parents" Michelle Garner and Lake Garner? Michelle is a 36-year-old homemaker while Lake is a 37-year-old dentist. The couple lives in Hattiesburg, MS. Ahh, the rednecks. These two have all the brains that God gave a ducks ass. I mean to say, the guys name is Lake, for Christ sakes - how smart can he really be? It's a pretty safe bet I figure that you can expect to find everything from rusted out automobiles to kitchen sinks in this couples front yard. To boot, they have the grammatical prowess of retarded hedgehogs; which is funny when they try to communicate with the local Europeans. It's like watching the monkeys poking aimlessly at a 'Speak n' Spell in 'Project X'. Lake is like a hyper child without his Ridalin as he drags his browbeaten wife around. It's this team, however, that provides some of the more noteworthy of Ugly American comments, such as: "All I know about Russia is that they smoke and drink a lot." Oh well, there goes 25 years of Glasnost. It was a good run. My particular favorite is watching these two hicks "yeehawing" their way Pit Stop challenges. Michelle is putting together marble statues of Greek statues and there's Lake behind her cheering like Dale Earnhardt had just taken the checkered flag while riding a unicycle.

Bravo, asshat! Your wife is fondling a stone dick on national television.

And lastly, there's "Best Friends" BJ Averell and Tyler Macniven. BJ is a 26-year-old online tutor from Los Angeles, CA. Tyler is a 25-year-old filmmaker from San Francisco, CA. These two are like bad morning radio talkhost hosts - Jizzbomb and the Boner - but you just can't help but love these guys. They're just so fucking contagious - and I don't mean in the genital herpes sense either. Did you notice the look of total gnarlyness on their fwaces when they won the bonus prize for being the first finishing team? It was watching an outtake from 'Bill & Ted's Excellent European Adventure'. "DIGITAL IMAGING?! Whoaaaaaaaaa!" These dudes, who more resemble the average 'phatti maximus' who just happened to vear off course during Phish tour, would be excited to leap face first into a pile of dogshit should it be suddenly demanded of them. They're probably just riding out the buzz from some mysterious brownies purchased in some parkinglot somewhere and you just can't help but love that. Besides, in how many other arenas will you ever be able to route for hippies and not have to fear being tasered?

Well, okay, snowboarding maybe...but I digress.

Yep, I'm not leaving my couch on Wednesday evenings for all the drugs in Tom Cruise's closet. I'm already masterbating over the potential scenario's during the final leg of the race. Barry and Fran will be eliminated next when Barry gets helplessly trapped inside a latex vacuum bodybag in an Amsterdam fetish club. Ray and Yolanda will be forced to drop from the race when Ray mistakenly volunteers to "Swim with Man-Eating Beasts" after first revealing his rabid fear of sharks. Monica and Joseph, well, meh, who gives a shit. Jeremy and Eric will place last in the next leg after spending 17 hours "fixing their hair for all the hunnies" in the riew view mirror of their vehicle, but instead realize their deep Brokeback Mountain love for one another. Lake and Michelle go next after Lake is sidetracked at a Klan rally in the backwoods of Norway.

That leaves BJ and Tyler with the ultimate prize.

Unfortunately, only seconds after winning, their extreme juvenile excitement causes them both to suffer massive brain aneurysms and they drop like sacks of wheat germ.


Blogger Hamrose said...

Funny! Don't watch the show but the DCTRM visual was priceless!

6:05 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home