Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Diary of a Devil Spawn

Well, it's happened at last. Finally - the Hollywood Satan spawn has been unleashed into the world. The foul fruit of Tom Cruise's and Katie Holmes loins hath been born.

{Insert lightning bolts, thunder, and other real wrath of God type stuff here}

Thank God!

Of course, this just means that now all the up-to-the-minute pregancy updates will just be replaced on the news racks with all new baby updates as the whole vicious tabloid machine just keep chugging away in search of it's meaty headlines. Heavens forbid, if the magazines should ever go an issue without it's assortment of indepth exposes on the babies every shit, puke, or drool.

The stories are already abound over how Tom, the clever dick he is, used decoys to get his fiancée and new-born child away from the Santa Monica hospital without being followed by the ever-present paparrazzi only 12 hours after the birth of his 7lb 7oz baby Suri on Tuesday.

Wait? Suri? What the fuck kind of name is that? Sounds like some type of cheap-ass import car. Who's going to play with someone named Suri? Okay, maybe Apple Martin, but who else?

The child is only a little over a week old but already the stories it must have to tell if it could actually speak.

Just imagine those first few journal entries:

April 18th

Well, here I am. Boy, who's been doing all that screaming and yelling for the past half hour? I thought we agreed on one of them "Silent Birth" dealies? Wait, this isn't the fancy manion I was expecting either...this is just, just, a regular hospital! Oh, the shame of it all! Why not just drop me into a paper sack. I thought that mom and pop were supposed to be, like, uber-rich or something? I was promised to be delivered into a big fat pile of beautiful crisp dollar what gives here?

At least mom seems pretty nice. Nice wholesome smile. Nice knockers. But wait a second ... who's that idiot over there? Does he ever stop jumping up and down like that? He's beginning to give me a headache. Wait! What's he doing now? Sweet Jesus, Doc! You're not going to give him the scissors are you? Oh good, NO! But now whats this? Why's he coming at me with his mouth open like that? Good God o' Mighty! He's not! Is he he really eating that shit?!

April 19th

Spend most of the day today nursing by the poolside. Man, this sure is the life.

We were visited today by a nice couple, Kelly Preston and some guy who smells like Geritol. While Kelly and my mom talked about their epidurals (or the "good shit" as they referred to it in whispers) the Geritol guy and the other dipshit debated about the existance of spiritual creatures called Thetans who inhabit our physical bodies and regaining awareness, or someother horseshit. It gives me a headache but at least he isn't jumping around. I think I'l express my own awareness by crapping myelf.

April 20th

Today, mom showed me some videos of her on television and in the movies. I fell asleep during Season One of something called "Dawson's Creek" and the "Batman Returns" made me cry - it was terrible! I thought I was going to born into talent! But seeing mommy in Batman did make me very hungry although I'm not altogether too sure why.

The dipshit was around as well today and was raving on and on endlessly about how we can communicate with other forms of life through telepathy, leave the body at will ("exteriorize") and control physical reality through pure thought...or some shit like that. I wish somebody would just duct tape this idiots lips closed. Like, enough with the hokus-pokus, dude. You're an idiot. Shut up. He did buy me like a cajillion pairs of French-tailored baby clothes today though - so at least that got him out of here for a few hours so I could nurse in peace.

April 21st

Okay, I'm beginning to get tired of the dipshit rambling on about all this Scientology nonsense. Does he ever shut up? If I have to hear anymore about Operating Thetan levels I'm going to scream bloody murder for the next 8 months. Even when that other lady with the delicious boobies was here visiting earlier - whats her name...oh yeah, Kirstie Alley - he just doesn't stop. Likewise, I'm also getting tired of hearing "Chocolate Salty Balls" being played all the time. Why can't I just get a 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' like everyone else? What is with this guy? Mommy must have had some pretty strong stuff in her nightcap that night when they made me.

April 22nd

That's it! I'm tossing in the towel. I know it's only been four days n' all, but - send me back into the light! PLEASE! I beg of you! I just can't stand being this boner's child any longer. Sure, sure, it's all swanky Black Tie suares and luxury yachts, but if I have to listen to this high-strung dimwit ramble on about his spiritual beliefs any longer I'm inevitably going to grow up to be more suicidal than a manic-depressive dentist.

Take me back - for the love of God - take me back!


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