Saturday, January 28, 2006


(Some of this posted material was inspired by, lifted, and outright plagarized from the March 1989 edition of MAD Magazine. Who me?)

Well, we're now only down to 6 days and counting until the mighty Steelers of Pittsburgh take on the high-flying Seahawks of Seattle in this seasons Superbowl XL finale. What this really means for me, of course, is that all my regular Sunday evening shows will be inevitably prempted.

All I know about football could be engraved on a grain of sand. I'd rather spend the evening chained to the couch in my underpants and forced to watch multiple viewings of Yentl than stripmine my brain with all this Sunday 'Superbowl' nonsense.

I have purposely avoided any and all sporting news and media attention in regards to the upcoming Superbowl as a means of safeguarding my sanity. I do, however, take a particular interest in the infamous Superbowl halftime ceremonies and I usually eagerly await the recaps later on the evening news. Ever since Janet Jackson's 'Nipplegate' before the live television cameras two years ago, I have this strange fascination for the whole infamous Superbowl halftime tradition. Basically, I'm keeping the flame lit in the hopes that another famous celebrity tit will also be exposed in another unfortunate "waredrobe malfunction" - only this time, I'll be there to warm myself in it's radiant glow. But thanks to all those uber-sensitive douchebags* who went ballistic and voiced their complains to the FCC and appropriate station producers about the last one; my chances of this happening again are now slim to fucking none.

But a man can dream, right?

Anyways, as far as the rest of it is concerned, I'd couldn't care less.

I can only wonder what other madness is thats in store for us this upcoming Sunday. I purposely don't like to view the program of events prior to the Superbowl news clips that night as it just detracts from the whole fantasy**. I just realize that the gamut of pre-game history, highlites, interviews, predictions, aand what have you, are about as exciting and witty as a bag of dead kittens. My mind would liquify in a matter of seconds.

Instead, I'll just predict what a tenative pre-game programming schedule could look like:

10:00AM - Start of Superbowl XL. Synchromized fanfare by trumpeters in 100 U.S. cities. (live)

10:15AM - Blessing of Detroit's Ford Field by priest, minister, and rabbi, backed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, followed by the sacrifice of 12 white doves to the football gods. (live)

10:45AM - Effect of Nostradamus prophecies on previous Superbowl outcomes. Interview with decendant Pierre Nostradamus in Paris. (live)

11:00AM - Premiere of official Superbowl XL anthem 'Spill Out Your Guts' performed by James Brown backed by Kiss.

11:20AM - Rehearsal of coin toss. (live)

11:25 AM - Highlites of coin tosses in previous Super Bowls and their outcome in relation to similar tragedies, disasters, and terrorist attacks of the time. (tape)

11:50AM - Documentary: "Coins Used in Previous Coin Tosses - Where Are They Now and What They Paid For?" (film)

12:00PM - Views of Stadium as seen through 3076 TV cameras on field, in the stands, in the Goodyear Blimp and from thousands of orbiting satellites from 53 different countries all over the world. (live)

12:30PM - Predictions of fnal scores by celebrities. Scheduled: Pee Wee Herman, Anderson Cooper, Donald Trump, Andy Dick, Saddam Hussein, Simon Cowell***, Bono, Nelson Mandela, the Dali Lama, and the entire cast from 'Will & Grace'.

1:00PM - Presentation by NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue of the coveted 'Silver Specimen' Award to the outstanding linesman producing the purest urine samples during seasonal drug-testing. (live)

1:30PM - Panel discussion by leading sod experts on effect of grass length on footing of opposing cornerbacks. Scheduled: David Suzuki, The Canadian Tire do-it-yourself guy, Woody Harrelson, and Jenna Jameson. (tape)

1:32PM - The arresting of Woody Harrelson. (live)

1:50PM - Test-blowing of official game whistle by the game referee and guest blower Pamela Anderson. (live)

2:00PM - Highlites of Superbowls I through XXXIX. (tape)

2:30PM - "Stuff It!" A traditional history; as well as easy and stylish kitchen and serving tips for the ceremonial Superbowl 'Turducken'. Hosted by Martha Stewart via satellite from Venice. (tape)

3:00PM - Seance interview with Vince Lombardi. (live)

3:20PM - Injury Update. Special guest: Jock itch expert Arthur Cootieman.

3:45PM - Opinion. Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Dr. Susan Johanson discuss the effects of pre-game sex on coaching staffs. (tape)

4:00PM - Entrance into stadium of Superbowl King, Queen and entourage in chariots pulled by a team of Budweiser Clydesdales. (live)

4:30PM - Panel. Six nutrientionalists analyze fiber intake of Game Day breakfasts as revealed from the remains of opposing quarterbacks scat samples. (live)

4:45PM - "Pigskin Hell - Anatomy of a Football." How one is made, from the slaughtering of the cow to the final stretching. (tape)

5:15PM - The singing of the annual anthem by Sir Paul McCartney before he's launched into orbit above the earth inside a spaceship made of pure gold. (live)

5:25PM - Introduction of teams; coin toss. (live)

5:45PM - Slo-mo instant replay of coin toss. (live)

5:50PM - Reverse-angle of coin toss (live)

6:00PM - Opening kick-off. (live)

* These same men who complained must also be the kind of guys who have their balls carried around in a velvet sack by their wives and girlfriends.

** My other fantasy involves seeing a bikinied Jan Brady and Laurie Partridge duking it out in a live broadcast of 'Celebrity Foxy Boxing'.

*** The sarcastic English bitchtit from 'American Idol' - for those of you who live under a rock.


Blogger Hamrose said...

Oh God...I'm with you on this one! The Stupor Bowl. Documentary of previous coin tosses..seance interview with Vince..."Stuff It" with Martha...just genius...genius humor. (and so many good marketing ideas)

12:48 AM  

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