Election Regrets 2006

I think I have finally decided that I'm not going to vote in our big Canadian national election tomarrow.

I know this makes me an ignorant jackass of magnus proportions; but lets face it, I'm no Peter Jennings here! I wouldn't know my Riding from my asshole. I pretty much snoozed my way through Canadian History back in high school, and Canadan politics in particular, after the Red River Rebellion.

I know that Jean Chretien talks funny; that Margaret Trudeau fluffed off to New York City with the Rolling Stones once; and that Brian Mulroney was an asshole of epic stature. Not really enough to base a decision on the future political outcome of my country is it? Sadly, I am severely lacking in political interest for this great nation of mine. If it's not force fed to me over the airwaves on CNN, I'm probably ignorant to the importance or impact on my life.

I like how current Prime Minister Paul Martin stands up for Canada against aging rock star bitchtits and voices out against the negative influences from the idiot president for the neighboring country to our south, but his party has the financial responsibility of a Merchant Marine on 24 hour furlough with pay at a Phuket brothel. Now sure, everyone gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar at least once in their lives - but those were MY cookies, Paul! You dig?

Besides the Liberal campaign this time around seems to be in throwing everything at the opposition but the kitchen sink. The Liberal Party has hurled more insults and unmitigated slander at the Tory Party than a terrets victim at a taping for WWE's 'Smackdown'.

Whose Paul Martin's campaign manager exactly - John McEnroe?

On the other hand, there's the Progressive Conservative party and Stephen Harper. The Tories are including promising a justice platform that will see mandatory prison sentences for handgun crimes and prison terms where "serving serious time will mean serving serious time" with "no more house arrests." He pledged more police in the streets and "tougher security at our borders." Umm, isn't it bad enough that we have a paranoid control freak at the helm of the current war machine on the opposite side of our border already? With any more security at our borders, you won't be able to go cross-border shopping without first sending in a blood and semen sample months in advance for random scanning and DNA tracing.

Besides, Harper is probably just going to use the opportunity to stack the courts with judges to make it possible to ban same-sex marriage and clamp down on abortion rights. Martin may be the king in a den of thieves, but he has no qualms with the fairies, lesbos, and teenage whores like Harper seemingly does. Something tells me that Harper himself may be in dire need of something best offered through a gloryhole at some Church Street nightclub. Besides, the last PC Prime Minister we had was that Mulroney bastard who decided one day, out of the blue, that he would just up and quit and head for Disneyland. Not exactly the pillar of political strength of character that one would expect for a nation of Peacekeepers.

And the whole campaign strategy for the New Democrats and Jack Layton seems to be in hanging back and fighting for the scraps. It doesn't exactly make me feel like I'm backing a winner. Sure his party is making all the right kinds of promises:

• creating opportunity for young people through education and training;
• offering dignity to seniors through better care and retirement security;
• improving public health care and stopping privatization;
• creating jobs while transforming a polluting economy to a sustainable one; and
• cleaning up corruption and making government accountable.

But unfortunately, Layton himself looks a little bit too much like a cross between Richard Dreyfuss and the Glad Man for anybody to ever take him too seriously. Perhaps when 'ol Jack decides to step up to the plate and fling shit like everybody else the nation will take better notice.

Likewise, whats left? The Green Party? That's rich!

Sure I bet their campaign rallies offer the buzz of the century, but I'd bet the Green Party candidate would shit in his bucket bong if he were ever to actually manage to win the whole election enchalada. It'd be like entrusting your national well-being to a stoned guinea pig.

So, fuck it!

This year I'm walking into my local election center, conceal myself into one of those little partitioned boothes* and instead of marking any of the candidates with an 'X' on the ballot, I'm going to mark the whole Canadian electoral process as the nasty, odorous spectacle that it is - with one huge epic fart with a stink so bad that it would scare away starving hyenas. Perhaps my gaseous protest will serve to help other voters suddenly realize how blind - literally - they are being to the very foulness of this whole 2006 election.

I'd rather vote for a rabid beaver than side with any of these bacon-sucking schmoes!

* Besides, isn't this a little bit melodramatic anyways? Who gives enough of a shit about Canadian politics that they would attempt to peek over your shoulder at the polls in order to catch a glimpse of who you're voting for?