Wednesday, September 07, 2005

"Saaaay, REFUGEE!"

So, now that the crisis in the southern Gulf States is a little over a week into it’s disaster relief, the media focus has now rightfully shifted it’s focus from rescue updates to who exactly is to blame for this fiasco. It’s the natural order of the universe.

You can almost hear the clinking of dueling sabers behind closed cabinet doors as city, state and federal officials all try to simultaneously thwart public scrutiny. From the New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagrin, to Louisiana Governor, Kathleen Blanco; from Deputy Police Chief, W. J. Wiley, to Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff; from FEMA secretary, Michael D. Brown, to even the head bad cheese, ‘ol Dubya himself - everyone is out scurrying for cover in the aftermath of this hurricane disaster.

Rest assured, heads will roll. Mark my words.

However, there are a few individuals who, instead, are clamoring for the media spotlight and public attention during this chaotic time: celebrities. They're like mindless zombies being drawn to the alluring smell of fresh brains. I can’t stand these opportunistic sympathy mongers who thrive on the suffering of others in order to boost their own marketability. Why do we even let celebrities near disaster areas? These types of people are like ghouls, albeit nicey-nice ghouls rubbing shoulders and bouncing babies for the camera - but fucking ghouls nevertheless! Bill and Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson, George W. and Barbara Bush, Illinois Senator Barak Obama, Sean Penn*; even Oprah Winfrey pulled up to the Astrodome in her customized gas-guzzling, ozone-killing SUV to the chants of “Oprah! Oprah! Oprah!”

Why are they cheering Oprah? What is she going to do? You just know she was at home all wrapped up in a nice warm quilt made of thousand dollar bills and sipping on a hot cup of cocoa while Katrina was giving the Gulf Coast the blowjob of the century and tearing apart residential homes while people hunkered down for cover and kissed each others asses goodbye. What do we care if Oprah wants a public apology? Who gives a shit WHAT Oprah wants? She wasn’t even fucking there!

And, who is this Senator Barak Obama anyways? Should we even be letting anyone named “Obama” anywhere near a disaster zone, much less electing them to State Office? Go home and quit mugging for the camera asshole and we’ll call you when something happens to the corn.

As for the ex-presidents (and ex-president wannabe’s) who are spearheading fundraising efforts to assist disaster victims and refugees, sure they’re doing something fruitful, but why are they campaigning in the disaster areas themselves? What are they going to collect there? Need I remind everybody that these people lost everything! Even Barbara Bush, looking more like Lovey from 'Gilligan’s Island' every day, got into the action in front of the snapping cameras and commented on the hurricane disaster situation as a success for the numbers of evacuees staying in the Astrodome who “…you know, were underprivileged anyway.” Atta’ girl, sweetheart - that’s telling it like it is. Those people should be thankful for the upgrade they received in life. In a way, Hurricane Katrina saved them from their own destitution. Hey, buy them all a hotdog and they’ll be happier than pigs in shit, right? Somebody bitch-slap this old broad.

I think as an immediate deterrent to other celebrity photo-op seekers, all unnecessary celebrities** should be rounded up and left in downtown New Orleans to be dealt with by the marauding hordes of armed lawless bandits running amok in the streets like diseased hyenas. These are the jackasses we should be looting and pillaging! We should set an example now and put an immediate and vicious stop to all this senseless celebrity vanity so we can really focus on what’s important, before we all have to endear Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins performing a tearful duet together of “Let the Good Times Roll” from a rubber dingy outside City Hall.

* Who in a mighty display of selfless heroism, managed to rescue two people from relatively dry ground and move them to even drier ground. Way to go, I Am Sam. Keep up the great work!

** And by “unnecessary celebrities”, I mean ALL celebrities except Angelina Jolie, because she’s hot and she can go any fucking where she pleases!


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