Saturday, August 13, 2005

Dead Celebrity Society

I received one of those friendship chain emails today that asks you to fill out an extensive survey of questions about personal details and such character defining tidbits such as your age, hair color, favorite television show, your one dessert island album choice, etc. You know, those real deep-cutting inquiries that attempt to pin your personality down like a butterfly on one of life’s entomological tackboards.

Anyways, one such monumental character defining inquires asked: “Which famous deceased celebrity or personality would you most like to have a chance to have dinner with?”

Huh? I would imagine in that in their present state of decay, that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere in the near vicinity, much less sitting across the table from one having dinner. I think the sight of a decomposing corpse and the stench of rotting flesh would put my off my gazpacho. I can see where this might be intriguing if you’re, say, the Crypt Keeper. I, however, would prefer a live celebrity or personality, thank you very much. It’s bound to be better conversation.

“So, what’s it like to be eaten by worms?”

But in the spirit of maintaining friendly email relations I will carefully consider the question. I admit that it would be fun to possibly go hunting with Ernest Hemmingway, shoot hoops with Einstein, or get drunk with Winston Churchill and light firecrackers. However, when it comes down to it, almost any dead celebrity would do.

Shit, if they’re really going to defy natural laws by coming back from the grave to answer such silly questions as “what’s your favorite breakfast cereal?” – I’m hardly going to complain about who it is.

Just for shits n’ giggles, here’s the rest of the survey (well, the portions that I feel comfortable posting to the Internet anyways):

1. Hair Color? Brown.
2. Height? 5’11-ish”
3. How old are you? 33.
4. What color is your underwear? Who wears underwear?
5. What are you listening to right now? Grateful Dead (05-25-74).
6. What was the last thing you ate? Chilled green seedless grapes.
8. Favorite drink? Guinness.
9. Favorite sports to watch? Midget wrestling.
10. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes (black).
11. Pets? One spoiled cat named Miso.
12. What was the last movie you watched? 'The Man from Elysian Fields'.
13. What was your favorite toy as a child? G.I.-mutherfuckin’ Joe.
14. Living arrangements? Upper story of a duplex.
15. When was the last time you cried? Immediately after watching 'The Man From Elysian Fields'.
16. What is on the floor of your closet? Dusty boxes of books.
17. What do you have on the walls in your room? Fading wallpaper and charcoal drawings.
18. What did you do last night? Passed out by 10:00pm in front of the television.
19. Favorite Smell? My farts in the shower.
20. Number of keys on your key ring? 53. I like keys.
21. How many times have you moved? Not possible to calculate without a PhD in Quantum Mathematics.
22. What are you afraid of? Queer as Folk.
23. Chips or Pringles? Pringles.
24. Favorite television show? M*A*S*H
25. Ever picked your nose? My nostrils are 4” in diameter. What do you think?

Oh yeah, and…

26. What is your one dessert island album choice? It’s a toss up between Tom Waits ‘Closing Time’ and the Rolling Stones ‘Exile on Main Street’.
27. Which famous deceased celebrity or personality would you most like to have a chance to have dinner with? Genghis Khan.


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