Thursday, August 11, 2005

Hans Off! Island

Demark has recently stated it’s intentions to send a letter of protest to Canada over a government minister’s visit to a wind-swept Arctic Island off northwestern Greenland that is claimed by both countries.

A letter of protest? Oh no! Anything but that!

On behalf of fellow Canadians everywhere, allow me to respond appropriately: “Go suck bacon, you hosers! It’s our island, eh!”

Canadian Defense Minister Bill Graham set foot on the 1.3 square kilometer Hans Island on July 26th, he remarked: “Our position has always been clear: It’s Canada!” Fucking-A, Bill! You tell those Havarti-sucking bastards what’s what. Don’t they have enough fjords on their coastline to keep them content that they also want to lay claim to a piece of rock roughly 1,100 km’s south of the North Pole?

In 1973, Canada and Denmark drew a border down the inhospitable Nares Straight halfway between Greenland, and Canada’s Ellesmere Island. But the countries decided that sovereignty over Hans Island and others in the Arctic region would be determined later.

In 1984, Tom Hoeyem, who was Denmark’s minister for Greenland affairs, caused a stir when he raised a Danish flag on the island, buried a bottle of brandy at the base of the pole with a note saying: “Welcome to the Danish Island”. That’s pretty eloquent. Who wrote that – a two-year-old?

Danish navy ships visited the island in 2002 and 2003. Who gives a shit? I say we go in there, take that flag down, chug back their booze, blow a fart in the general direction of the motherland, wipe our ass with a copy of Hans Christian Anderson’s ‘Little Mermaid’, and hurl the empty brandy bottle through the hull of the nearest Danish ship. After 400 years of forced relinquishments of land, surrenders, and lost battles, they think we’re going to be intimidated enough to just simply let them have it? Hey, you want it - come and get it!

Here's a country who has adopted a proverb that states: "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." Sounds like loser talk to me.

Danishes are frosted pastries with delicious jelly centers – hardly something to be afraid of. Maybe we should just start following standard political protocol and begin calling them "Freedom Tarts" instead, or just ban them from governmental cafeterias altogether.

But honestly, who cares who wants this useless piece of realistate? Lets look at this island’s vitals: population = zero, endemic wildlife = zero, retail outlets = zero, ATM machines = zero, airports = zero. In fact, this useless island is small enough that you can punt a football across it. You could literally stand on one bank of the island and put out a fire on the opposite bank by pissing on it. To top it all off, you can only reach it in the summer months when the ice around it melts. In brief: THERE’S NOTHING FUCKING THERE!

Why then all the hubbub then? It seems to me that the Danes claim to the island is sketchy at best. Just because you buried a bottle of brandy and left a message written by a two-year-old, hardy qualifies you to lay official claim to it. Shit, my local boozer serves Tuborg and you’re lucky to get a decent coherent conversation for more than three minutes – does that automatically make it a Danish sovereign? Fuck NO!

Apparently, Denmark is attempting to assert is sovereignty over Hans Island based on the territory’s proximity to Greenland. But what those crazy Danes are forgetting (too much Carlsbad maybe?) is that the Arctic islands were discovered by the British not the Danish, and rights to these islands passed to Canada when Canada formally gained independence from British. Since when does proximity to another piece of land determine who owns it? Using this flawed logic, Aruba would belong to Venezuela and St. Pierre and Miquelon would belong to Canada.

I’m not really surprised at their erroneous thinking considering this is a country who boasts having the University of Theoretical Physics. What the fuck is that exactly? An institute of higher learning dedicated to the study of forces that may, or may not, exist? Okay, put down the ‘Space Cake’ there Kierkegaard before your brain implodes in on itself.

The whole controversy has been heightened thanks to a personal duel on the Internet between two dipshits with nothing better to do than argue over who owns a barren rock in the middle of fucking nowhere. There, the whole debate seems to hinge on the possibility that the island may turn out to be a yet untapped source of rich mineral resources. If that ever becomes the case, I am confident that we Canadians would toss aside out blue helmets for the moment, and kicking ourselves some Danish ass!

If push ever comes to shove, Denmark would fold like a cheap tent before you could say “pass the frikadeller”. We’d whoop their jelly-filled asses all the way back to Tivoli Gardens and still be back in time for the second period of 'Hockey Night In Canada'.


Blogger K. Restoule said...

Hans Island is the perfect location for a Tim Horton's.

11:08 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home