Thursday, August 18, 2005

Cheap-ass Laptop Lowdown

I have found further proof that we, the members of the collective human race, are all gleefully skipping towards Gomorrah. And not only are we willfully heading in that direction, but we're all doing so hand-in-hand while whistling 'Zip-a-Dee-fucking-Doo-Da' at the top of our lungs the entire way!

A rush to purchase $50 used Apple laptop computers in Richard, VA, turned into a melee when people literally stampeded once the gates were opened to begin the sale.

What in the fuck is this world coming to when we're violently competing with one another over used Apple computers?

More than 5,500 people (although the estimates of actual numbers of sale attendees ranges anywhere up to 12,000) turned out at the Richmond International Raceway in the hopes of getting their mitts on a four-year-old Apple iBook (which normally sell for $1300 to $1690 new) being given away by the local school board. The fact that eager sale attendees began showing up just after midnight on the night before the scheduled 7:00 AM, but organizerssale just proves that Virginians sure loves themselves some second-hand junk.

I would have thought that most Virginians wouldn’t even have the good sense to operate a computer; but judging by the state of your average Virginians front yard, perhaps the yokels were intending to use the computers as box planters instead. Whatever the case – Virginians are ready to riot for used computers. Stand in their way, and you'll risk having a folding chair embedded in your skull.

“This is total, total chaos!” said LaToya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flips in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling asphalt pavement on her one bare foot like a penguin on a hotplate. Wow, lost her flip-flop? Measuring this poor woman’s loss and suffering is practically incalculable.

In the stampede, it was reported that people were getting thrown to the ground and trampled on; a baby’s buggy was crushed like a pop can; men beat each other off with folding chairs; and one desperate buyer even attempted to drive their car through the crowd. Now here's an enterprising guy - willing to commit vehicular homicide for a chance at owning a discounted computer. You just have to admire that kind of mental disconnect. One lady even went so far as to piss herself rather than surrender her position in line. How fucked up is all that? It sounds like something signaling the end of the earth!

Apparently, Virginians and cheap ass shit go together like guns and alcohol.

The sale was originally scheduled for 9:00AM, but with the line stretchng out to a kilometer in length, and in part to an overwhleming stench of urine, organizers brought forward the start time by two hours. People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing. Seventeen people suffered minor injuries, with four requiring hospital treatment. Amazingly, despite a heavy police presence, no arrests were made. Of course, police officers were probably beating people down with their billy-clubs in an effort to get to the haloed iBook grails themselves.


Is all fair in love and used computers in the state of Virginia? There are people mowing down pedestrians with their automobiles, old men being disgarded to the ground, others going all WWE by swinging chairs into the foreheads and bodies of rival shoppers, baby's caught in the crosshairs, and unfortunate teenaged girls loosing their flip-flops. It was complete anarchy!

Sale organizer, Paul Proto, commented about the fiasco: “It’s rather strange that we would have such a tremendous response for the purchase of a laptop computer, and laptop computers that probably have a less-than-desirable attributes.” I guess Mr. Proto and event coordinators certainly didn’t take into account the Virginians apparent strong obsession with used crap.

County officials said they would review events and see what could be done differently for future sales. I see. Why don’t we make things really interesting by providing frenzied bargain hunters with weapons of combat and simply turn them loose in a caged-in free-for-all in which the surviving shoppers left standing afterwards will be awarded first dibs on discounted 8-track players or cuisinarts or something? That would make a great pay-per-view event!

If you really want a deal – you'll have to fight for it!

(for an actual first-hand account of this stampede ordeal, click here.)


Blogger diligent law student said...

I think it's pretty messed up that people would be THAT excited about some old lap top - I have one that is 2 years old, and I wouldn't do any of that shit for it!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Hey, I have one of those Apple iBooks! A great machine. Maybe Virginian's just have good taste.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I can attest to the fact that not all Virginians a) enjoy stampedes, b) have crap ass front lawns, or c) are Mac users (especially the last).

I was horrified by this news report, however. I can't imagine the melee should they start offering up free Pampers or Maryland crabcakes, though. Like the running of the bulls.

9:59 AM  
Blogger K. Restoule said...

Personally the destroyed baby stroller says it all.$50_computers

6:07 PM  

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