Tuesday, August 16, 2005

California Scheming

A ‘Hush Up’ scandal is set to rock California like the next inevitable earthquake and finally wash away the Golden State into the Pacific for good. A woman who allegedly had an affair with the California governor Arnold Schwartzenegger was reportedly paid $20,000 by the publisher of US tabloid the National Enquirer to keep the scandal secret.

A friend of the woman named by the Los Angeles Times as 46-year-old Gigi Goyette claims she was also paid $1000 by the tabloid to keep confidential what she knew in reported deals that came just days after Schwartzenegger announced his candidacy for California Governor in 2003.

Now, just a fucking minute here. This whole scandal revolves around something that was originally reported on by the National Enquirer. Pardon? Since when does anybody take anything that a tabloid has to post seriously? Paranoid delusional old woman who live with like a zillion cats and a penchant for scratch tickets - THAT’S WHO! And who cares what they think anyways? Here is a breed of publication that has also printed such exuberant, illustrious exclusives as: “Hitler predicted Internet porn”, “Gay aliens found in UFO wreck”, and “Toddler’s finger painting reveals location of Atlantis”. Shit, they have regularly monthly updates on ‘Bat Boy’ * for fuck sakes! I wouldn’t believe anything that I read in a tabloid newspaper if it told me that my pants were on fire.

Likewise, why should we even believe anything this Gigi Goyette supposedly claims now anyways? She’s already gratefully skipped all the way to the bank and cashed a check for a cool $20,000 just for shutting the fuck up. I bet her laughter didn’t subside for days. So obviously she’s a scruple less welcher on an otherwise perfectly good contractual arrangement – surely we’re not now going to start speculating on her personal integrity as well? Why should we now believe her after she renigs on her original deal in order to specifically reveal her 7-year-old affair with a known celebrity womanizer?

Sounds like she REALLY wanted to brag about banging Conan the Barbarian. Who cares? Despite my furious outrage at having starred in both the 'Twins' and 'Kindergarden Cop' train wrecks, I still have to side with and sympathize for 'ol Arnie on this one.

So big Arnie has been banging some goldbricker for seven years?


Why shouldn’t he – he’s the fucking TERMINATOR! He probably keeps his jewels in a suede pouch too. And he’s fucking entitled! Hell, part of me still wants to fuck the guy. So why then does another alleged affair with some other mysterious blonde cruise cooze with the business acumen of a rabid hyena matter?

I hope for $20,000 she was at least circus acrobat good.

Let's look at the bright side - at least he wasn't banging a corpse.

* Who, by last accounts, is in astronaut school training to be part of the next space shuttle mission (March 2004).


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