Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Oye Como Wha?

A former personal assistant to Carlos Santana has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against the aging rocker, claiming he was fired after his consciousness was calibrated and determined to be too low.

What the fuck does that mean? How calibrated does your “consciousness” have to be to press underwear and fetch quarter-pounders and prostitutes in the middle of the night?

Apparently, Bruce Kuhlman, 59, charges that Santana’s wife, Deborah, brought in a man known as “Dr. Dan” so that employees could grow closer to God and become better workers. In Deborah’s view, the higher a person calibrated with Dr. Dan, the better employee they were because they were more “spiritually involved”. I guess when Santana sang that he was under the spell of a Black Magic Woman – he wasn’t kidding.

Okay, surely somebody has slipped something into the crystal bowl of blue M&M’s. Where does one even begin to cut through all the spiritual hocus-pocus of all this ridiculousness? And pardon me for asking, but who is this Dr. Dan guy working for anyways – Santana, or God himself? How does this Dr. Dan calibrate people’s consciousness anyways? Is he like God’s personal mechanic or something? Hey, if I ever needed to “calibrate” anything, I’ll just take myself to Jiffy Lube, not to some jackass named Dr. Dan!

Christ, after all his old party days, I guess Mr. Supernatural himself must have an IQ in the single digits to ever place such stock in the spiritual treacle of someone with that stupid of a name. Honestly, it makes him sound like someone who should be selling orthopedic mattresses on late night infomercials. But in all seriousness, he must be one hell of a holy dude given the depth of faith that Mrs. Santana places in him. I bet he could make a parsley enema sound enticing.

Now, I’ve been fired from many a job in the past, some of which I may have probably deserved, but if anybody tried to terminate me from my job by claiming that I wasn’t close enough to God, I’d go all supernatural on his ass and feed his genitals to a wolf. God sure isn’t going to offer me any severance packages is he?

Kuhlman is seeking monetary damages for lost wages, emotional distress, and unpaid overtime among other demands. The 58-year-old Santana and his wife would not comment on the allegations but did indicate that they intended to fight the case while the amazing Dr. Dan levitated the entire Marin County Courthouse on a cloud of positive karma until the trial is complete and justice prevails.

The lawsuit alleges that “spiritual calibration” allowed a person to develop a deeper level of consciousness. Here’s my question to the jury on Mr. Kuhlman’s behalf: How does someone accurately gauge how deep one’s level of consciousness is? Os there some kind of cerebral dipstick used to probe the brain to determine the actual depth of its thought processes? Because if there is, I bet that ‘ol Santana would be measuring a pretty shallow depth of consciousness himself. The guy sounds like he has the common sense of a graham cracker; not to mention the same grip on reality as the family of unicorns that live under my living room carpet.


Blogger K. Restoule said...

I think Dr. Dan works for Oprah. Just like Dr Phil.

9:01 AM  

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