Saturday, August 06, 2005

Beauty and the Basher

Just when you thought they had successfully captured every kink, fetish, and perversion under the sky on film (if you can stick your penis into it, there’s probably an entire section dedicated to it at your local Adult Video store dedicated to it), along comes none other than former World Boxing Championship to announce his intention to throw his hat into the porno ring as well. Well, more correctly, throw his 14 ½” monster schlong into the uber-hot Jenna Jameson.

How utterly fucked up is that? I hope the world is prepared for the vicious aftershock when Tyson’s career plunges even further into the earths motlen core.

I thought Jenna Jameson had developed the good business acumen lately to stop making hardcore adult films to instead focus on marketing her naked jubblies on every website, webpage, web banner, magazine layout and billboard advertisement in the free world? If it’s a flat unoccupied surface, Jenna will probably be spread-eagled on it nowadays. She probably rakes in more money now than the Gross National Product of most Third World countries.

Why then would she now be interested in banging a convicted rapist with a correction file that could crush a small animal, and a johnson that could sweep away the carcass afterwards? Honestly, I would expect that having sex with Jenna after something like that would be much akin to simply throwing a hotdog down a hallway. I suspect that this is why nobody has heard from Robin Givens since her divorce from Iron Mike…she’s probably still so traumatized that she just sits and stares out the window drooling.

Apparently, Tyson, who retired from boxing last month, said that he desperately needs the money to pay off his tax bills of several million dollars, and a rebirth as a porn star could help him in his cause. About his bid to relaunch his downward-spiraling career into the world of adult entertainment, Tyson only commented “I need the money up front”.

Gee, that’s just terrific! Just as long as he’s doing it for the right reasons. Not that anyone would ever believe him if he had cited “artistic direction” has his major motivational factor – but I digress. But to request that kind of serious money up front, he’d better be damn sure not to be stricken with a case of shrinky-dink when it comes time to roll film!

American boxing journalist Pedro Fernandez has said that Tyson would likely triumph in the sex industry. “If Tyson brings out some of the ferocity that made him a champion, he could definitely become a successful porn star”, he said.

WTF? That’s just fucking scary – literally! This is a guy who has served six years back in 1992 on rape charges and who is known to bite off the ears of his opponents in the ring! What kind of “ferocity” is needed for porn exactly? Or are they just going to have him repetitively punch Jenna Jameson in the muff until she climaxes?

That’s sexy.


Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

There are so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin.

#1: Did Mike Tyson ever really have a career?

#2: I thought Jenna Jameson only did girl on girl flicks now.

5:44 AM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

I hope they do something with his teeth and his voice. When you hear him talk, he sounds like a castrato. Not conducive to decent porn (not that I know anything about these things...).

4:00 PM  
Blogger nukie310 said...

I like my mini van.

7:36 AM  

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