Saturday, September 25, 2004

Is that Rigor-Mortis in Your Pocket, or Are You Happy to See Me?

California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger has signed new state legislation that now prohibits sex with corpses. Essentially, it is no longer legal in the State of California to love your mommy. Well, not too much anyway.

This new bill makes the culmination of a two-year drive to outlaw necrophilia and assist prosecutors who have been stymied by the lack of an official ban on the practice. This new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison. EIGHT YEARS? WTF?! That’s all the sick fuck would get for banging a dead body? Shit, would should lock them up and throw away the key! Eight years, whoppee shit! I’ say that’s a very small price to pay to be able to indulge in your darkest, most forbidden carnal desires.

This bill is in response to a bizarre string of instances over the past decade involving allegations of necrophilia, including a case involving a man charged with having sex with the dead body of a 4-year old in Southern California (which by the way, stalled last year in a legislative committee) and a man who was found in a San Fransisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of an elderly woman’s corpse (which as it happens, prompted the reviving of this pre-mentioned stalled legislature as prosecutor’s failed to indict this man due to the absence of law). Geez, that sure must have been one hell of a keg party the night before! What a claim to fame this guy has on history, huh? “Last thing I remember was doing some Jello-shots and a keg stand, and next thing I know I’m balls deep in some dried up corpses cooch and they’re issuing new State Legislature!” Bravo, you sick twisted fuck. Rock on with your bad self.

I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the fact that such a law was even necessary in the first fucking place, or the failure of lawmakers to pass it last time around and allowing another incident of necrophilia to not only occur, but go unpunished. I mean, what kind of Freakshow are they running over there on the West Coast? If they’re not sticking small rodents up their rectums, or standing in line for caffeine enema’s, they’re running amuck in graveyards, funeral homes, and mortuaries fucking stiffs. What is this strange taboo that Californian’s have with sticking things where they don’t belong? Why the fuck would anybody even consider taking a vacation to the Golden State is beyond me. Honestly, I’d rather spend my vacation in the general population at a Turkish prison.

Since when did we have the need to pass laws in order to clearly establish human decency? Even more crazy, is that they needed to elect the fucking Conan the Barbarian to do it! The flip-side to this argument may be that why is there the need for strict legislature against something in which no living person is actually harmed. Corpses are in fact dead after all, and they are not technically being abused nor are they causing any more harm than had the deviant in question only been fucking a sun-dried tomato instead. I expect this side of the argument would be quelled just as soon as one went down to the family cemetery to lay some flowers on grandma’s grave, maybe read a poem in effigy, have a “moment”, but instead find mentally unbalanced, sexually-stunted, Moonbeam Corpsehumper with dearly departed Nana’s body, banging away on a mound of dirt like a three-peckered Billy goat at a wool farm. That disturbing sight would sway even the most deviant of sex offenders towards favoring the new Anti-Necrophilia Bill. Shit, I bet even Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, would have voted ‘Yay’ to this particular legislature!

Schwartzenegger’s necrophilia law now falls in with other ridiculous state laws that seem to be necessary and mandated in order to keep this bizarre state of freaks from spiraling any further down into the kevels of Hall and complete human depravity. For example, women in California are prohibited from driving their vehicle in a housecoat. It is illegal for anyone to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water in the sidewalk. And, in the city of Castaic: if your dentist accidentally pulls the wrong tooth, you are legally entitled to pull one of his teeth in return. Holy shit, suddenly Neverland Ranch seems like the one of the last bastions of civilized behavior in the whole of California. What kind of changing bizarre world do we live in when Michael “Freakshow” Jackson could ever be considered the pinnacle of Californian normality?

I wonder what the next new commonsense legislature will be unnecessarily adopted in the “Promised Land”? Canabalism? Bathing in nuclear waste? Hunting dolphins with hand grenades? Sodomizing endangered snow leopards in protected National Parks?



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