Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I Dig A Pony

Dear readers, once in a while a subject comes around that is simply so juicy that one cannot help but be morbidly fascinated. Okay, “juicy” may not be exactly the best way to describe this particular topic du jour, but whose interest isn’t instantly piqued when the conversation comes around to the taboo topic of bestiality? Makes you want to read more already doesn’t it *?

I know what you’re saying to yourself right now: “OMG - Is he really going to talk about fucking animals”? Hey - what can I say? My tact knows no boundaries. When a situation so forbidden as this comes along you just have to embrace it like Catherine the Great embraced equestrian riding.

The topic of bestiality always sparks off discernibly disapproving attitudes of repulsion, disgust, and just lately, heated political debate. How could it not? Certainly slipping the ‘ol tube steak into Porky out in the barn late at night isn’t exactly the quick ticket into heaven, I agree, but on the other hand “zoophilia” is practically rampant and commonplace throughout history. As long as there's been inviting orifices to stick our penises into, we've been humping them! There are more jokes and urban rumors circulating about dudes (and chicks for that matter) banging horses, pigs, sheep, cows, and every other poor beast with an unoccupied inviting furry orifice that one couldn't possibly keep on top of it all (or underneath it, or behind it for that matter). I myself was unfortunately victim once to witnessing a grown man screw his knob into a chicken when I unwittingly entered into the Common Room at my university residence late at night during one of the pre-organized floor Porn Night. I guess I missed the circulated flyer **.

It served as one of the most traumatic events of my life. My eyes burned inside their sockets with the graphic abomination I was witnessing on the television screen before me. In fact, to this day, I can’t even watch my cat lick himself now without going all Clockwork Orange and being reduced to a quivering mass of tears on the floor. It was just that fucking aweful and traumatic and it further stunted my sexual development for at least another year or so until I was able to move off campus into a clearly marked “No Animal Fucking Zone”.

I couldn’t understand why anybody would want to bang livestock; much less watch grainy videos of other people doing it. Surely, when God passed down to us the coveted tenth Holy Commandment “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's”, he also meant the no making of sweet love to his barn animals as well! But for some sick reason, there will always remain an active interest in the perverted underbelly of society to boink our poor four-legged friends. Any quick Google search on the Internet will prove that ***!

So how did I get on this topic in the first place you ask? Well, recently I discovered a news story from Washington State that brought the whole repressed topic to mind again once again. Last week, a man died of internal injuries from having sex with a stallion at a ranch used by a bestiality ring. The man suffered fatal trauma while being sodomized by a stallion at a stud farm that catered to men who wanted to have sex with animals.

How mortifying is that? Wouldn’t that be a tad bit embarrassing at the Gates of St. Peter while filling out registration forms to get into heaven? REASON FOR DEATH: “Fucked to death by a horse”. You’d be the laughing stock in paradise for all eternity; that is if you’re not already being spit-roasted in Hell over a blazing inferno of fire and brimstone. Good Lord – it’s finally happened! The degenerate freaks in California have finally begun to spill over into the other neighboring states.

The event at the ranch was exposed after a man body was dropped off at a hospital southeast of Seattle on July 2nd after his encounter with the horse. “Basically, his colon was ruptured, along with his lower organs, and he bled out” stated Enumclaw Police Commander Eric Sortland.

Furthermore, in connection with the case, a cache of hundreds of hours of videotaped hot man-on-beast sex sessions was found hidden in a field ****. Apparently, this ranch of perverts loved to document their sexual blasphemy and there was no shortage of examples: ponies, horses, goats, sheep, and dogs. Images of the flock of fantasy farm offerings on the bestial dude ranch were relayed over the Internet and records indicate that men had come from throughout the United States, according to police.

Now there’s a nice cultural, romantic singles getaway, huh? Fuck the white beaches at Boracay or the rainforest ruins of the Yucatan, Daddy wants to get his freak on with frisky animals at some studio ranch in Washington! PAAAAAAAAAR-TAY!

Even more outrageous in this case, is that because sex with animals is not barred by law in Washington State, no arrests have been made whatsoever although the investigation continues. However, the case is now being reviewed by state legislators backing a bill that would make it illegal to have sex with animals.

Pardon - are you fucking kidding me? Not since Arnold Schwartzenegger supported that anti-necrophilia bill in California itself, has there been a more overdue revamping of the current legal statutes surrounding the world of acceptable sexual conduct. Surely, we have learned by now that common sense does not always prevail among the perverted (see California for further explaination).

But this is not just an isolated situation, only the most recent in a number of ongoing cases from beyond the pale the world over. I remember a few years ago, Dutch political parties were also embroiled in creating more definite legislature prohibiting sex with animals after an Amsterdam man was released from the courts scot-free after being caught fucking a pony. There is no article in Dutch law that either prohibits bestiality or indicates liable punishment for offenders. In this case, it was deemed that because “there were no wounds or traces of violence” there was no cause to prosecute the man under the existing penal codes.

What kind of defense is that? Didn’t anybody ever ask the poor pony how he felt about being violated by this sick bastard? The pony might be going to special support groups for barnyard victims of sexual abuse for the rest of his life, but this still isn’t considered a true “wound” or “trace of violence”? Talk about riding around on your high horse! Can you imagine the ‘Circle of Trust’ at that support group meeting…a pig, a goat, a chicken, a pony, and a horse all holding hooves and crying and hugging each other tearfully?

“And then he pulled down his pants and stood up on a milking stool behind me – I felt so helpless…so scared.”

How can we turn such a blind eye to our fellow living creatures with whom we share this planet? It’s unlikely that the perpetrator is ever going to use the argument that the sex was consensual isn’t it?

“Honest, your Honor, the pony was begging for it!”

I’m not terribly surprised that this kind of activity was exposed in Amsterdam, a nation of radical free-loving liberal hippy-types and junkies, anymore than I would be more surprised at reported cases of Vampirism in Transylvania. In a hypersexualized society such as Amsterdam, a mere stroll down the ‘Red Light District’ of town on any day will bear witness to any number of bizarre sexcapades that would make fucking a pony seem like wacking off with sock puppets!

“Sex with a pony, that’s so passé man! Sex with power tools is where’s it’s really at now. Don’t be all softcore, dude! Now pass the ‘Space Cake’.”

But here in NORTH AMERICA?! Surely we're more evolved?

The whole bestiality thing seems so black and white to me. If some dumbass wants to get totally fucked stupid by a horse cock in front of his buddies until his asshole is gaping wide enough open that you could hear the ocean in it – let him. Just as long as the horse isn’t complaining, what do I fucking care? But if we’re going to continue allowing men to run around banging livestock with reckless abandon without consequence, then I think we should give the animals the same rights to run out and us fuck human beings with the same complete disregard for our own emotional, physical, and psychological concerns. Otherwise, it’s just hypocritical.

Better yet - lets just have complete and total barnyard chaos! Animals will be cruising the streets and mounting people at bus stops and cashier checkouts in the wild attempts to satify their natural instincts and jungle fevers.

“Hey look! Charlie is getting balled by a horse again! Ouch- that’s gotta suck!”

* For those of you who actually quickly scanned to this footnote before continuing: I suggest reading no further. Simply turn off your computer and go outside to play on the swings or something. For those of you who were so taken with the immediate thought of fucking animals that you simply had to read on further and instead waited to read this footnote afterwards: go immediately to your local church or holy sanctuary, fall down on your knees, and beg your god, in whatever form that may transpire, to spare you your soul from roasting for all eternity come Judgment Day.

** Not to mention the whole point of wishing to to spend hours watching bestiality porn in a room full of other guys. You'd think that ,if anything, that would be something you would prefer to do on your own time.

*** Not that I would ever recommend you do this, of course, unless maybe this really does appeal to you and you also have a virus software program installed in your computer that could block out time itself.

**** A field? You'd think they'd find a more substantial place to hide their animal porn.


Blogger nukie310 said...

I'm really afraid to comment.....and to think I link to you!!!?

4:58 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

You should have skipped to the footnote first off and headed it's advise. How do you think I feel? It'll be my ass they serve on Guy Fawkes Day in Hell.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous PG said...

"In fact, to this day, I can’t even watch my cat lick himself now without going all Clockwork Orange and being reduced to a quivering mass of tears on the floor." CTRM :-> :-) :-O
I was quite purplexed when I heard about that dude allowing the horse to violate his bottom... Maybe he felt guilty and thought that it was only fair.

8:22 PM  

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