Sunday, July 31, 2005

Hilton vs. Ritchie

It looks like the Fates have further conspired against us to torture us yet again by bringing back together rich bitches Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie for another abominable season of the evil ‘Simple Life’ – despite the fact that they are apparently not speaking to each other.

Oh goodie! Stab me now.

Fox announced that the network has picked up the options on the contracts for both of the feuding debutante’s in anticipation of the fourth season of the freakishly popular reality show. Aside from the public rift between the ex-friends and co-stars for undisclosed reasons, Fox sees other fodder for ongoing sparks.

Now, maybe if I can let down my guard against this particular Reality ‘Snobfest’ long enough to acknowledge their mutual hatred for one another and the various potentially violent possibilities surrounding this new ‘Simple Life 4’ season, I may just be pleasantly suprised to be pleased with the end results. If the ‘Los Wonder Ho’s’ really have had a serious falling out, then for the sake of loathing viewers such as myself, I’d say the shows producers may actually be onto something here by instead pitting them against one another in their new episodes.

THAT might be something I’d tune in for!

Fuck having the blond rich bitch bimbo’s stumblefuck their useless asses through various mundane adventures in the common everyday workforce such as fisting cows, grilling Sonic Burgers, or what-have-you; lets see them really scrap it out tooth and manicured nail!

The world already knows how terminally stupid and inept these two girls are. In fact, to say they’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic is an insult to starving Africans. It’s already a well established fact at this point that neither of these heiresses rhubarbs would normally be qualified to sweep up hair at the barber’s since they’re about as fucking smart as a bag of hammers.

I am in total favor of any spicing up of this otherwise train wreck of a television series – and if that spicing up entails one of their heads on a platter, then so much the better! I say the bigwigs at Fox Studios should even go one further and just pit the two girls against one another in a live battle-to-the-death inside a 10” steel cage. Just let the ex-friends go at one another like starving jackals in a pit fighting over a leftover soup bone. For even higher ratings, dress both of the feuding frolines in skimpy Christian Dior cocktail dresses and invite them to compete in a no-holds barred, knock down, drag out cat fight to the finish like two Roman gladiators battling for their freedom.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Nothing says ‘Simple Life’ anyways like two spoiled hussies swinging at one another and yanking out fistfuls of hair in the front yard of a little pink farmhouse in rural small town suburbia. It’s bloody perfect!

Now, being somewhat of a betting man, I’d say that the smart money would be on Nicole Ritchie to lay down the more vicious of the ass-whoopings on the lesser intimidating and more bleached Paris Hilton. I bet Ms. Ritchie will scratch her billionaire eyes out and feed Paris’ face to her chiahuahua Tinkerbell with a side dish of fresh watercress salad before she could even say "that’s hot!" She’d proceed to slit open her belly with a rusty Epilady and strangles Paris with her own entrails inside five minutes.

It would inevitably go down in broadcasting history as the most spectacular shortest-lived season premiere for any new televised series since ‘After Mash’.

I would happily wait eons through the most obnoxious and mind-numbing toilet paper and dog food commercials in order to witness that single moment.

2 Comments:

Blogger MPH said...

I am going with Paris. Nicole apparently has stopped eating and is wasting away. She's be too tired to throw a punch. Plus Paris has that damn dog.

9:12 PM  
Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

The biggest tragedy is that Paris Hilton has all that money and could be doing something worthwhile. Instead she uses her money & the power it brings to make herself look like a stupid slut.

4:50 PM  

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