Sunday, July 24, 2005

"Remove Cellophane Wrapper Before Annihilating"

Here’s some interesting news: Volunteers taking part in tests of the Pentagon’s “less lethal” microwave weapon were banned from wearing glasses or contact lenses due to safety fears.

Pardon? We’re zapping people with microwave beams and our biggest concern is their corrective eyewear? How about WHY are we nuking them in the first place? At the very least, how are they fitting the people in those microwaves?

These precautions raise concerns about how safe the new ‘Active Denial System’ (ADS) weapon would be if used in real crowd-control situations. ‘Active Denial System’ – what the fuck is that exactly? It sounds like some radical weight loss therapy or something, not some space age death ray that nukes people like frozen dinners with a 95-gigahertz microwave beam!

This ADS fires this microwave beam, which is supposed to heat the skin and cause pain but no physical damage. “No physical damage”? I find that pretty hard to believe considering we’re literally frying peoples bodies like hot dog wieners. That’s sounds pretty fucking damaging to me!

These tests were carried out at Kirtland Air Force Base in Albuquerque, NM. You know, I think I have an instant aversion to anything that needs to be secretly tested in a desert base. Two experiments tested pain tolerance levels while in a third, a “limited military utility assessment” (again – WTF does that mean?), volunteers played the part of rioters or intruders and the ADS was used to drive them away. Who in their right mind would ever “volunteer” themselves to be zapped by super microwave beams until their bodies are writhing like sizzling bacon? By “volunteers”, I bet they mean “inmates serving time for child molestation”.

The experimenters banned glasses and contact lenses to prevent possible eye damage to the subjects, and in the second and third tests removed any metallic objects such as coins, keys, or any random silverware that volunteers may have been holding at the time to stop burning hot spots being created on the skin. The ADS weapon’s beam causes pain within 2 to 3 seconds and it becomes intolerable after less than 5 seconds. Peoples reflex responses to the pain is expected to force them to move out of the beam before they’re turned in crispy tater tots; unless of course it’s a riot consisting of Floridian senior citizens - in which case they would instead be expected to be drawn directly into the microwaves and begin setting up retirement centers.

Neil Davison, however, coordinator of the non-lethal weapons research project at the University of Bradford in the U.K., says controlling the amount of radiation received may not be that simple. For example, how do you ensure that the dose doesn’t cross the threshold, or what happens if someone in a crowd is unable, for whatever reason, to move away from the beam? Does the weapon cut out to prevent overexposure or does it continue to nuke them until their organs explode? All very valid concerns – however, I suspect that Mr. Davison is only experiencing sour grapes due to the fact that his own British branch of non-lethal weapons research team has so far, only managed to devise an ‘Active Denial System’ that scalds rioters with hot milky tea instead.

During the experiments, people playing rioters put up their hands when hit and were given a 15 second cooling down period before being targeted again. One person suffered a burn in a previous test when the beam was accidentally used on a “HIGH” setting instead of “DEFROST”.

The thing I don’t get is why the fuck do we need “non-lethal weapons” anyways? If we have to use a weapon against violent aggressors, I want the security of knowing they’re fucking dead as a kipper on a cracker and no longer a risk to my personal safety. Furthermore, I’m not going to complain if they so happened to be blinded by their glasses or contact lenses should the ADS be utilized. Blinding is perfect preventive solution to stop them from attacking at me - I like that advantage! You can't shoot what you can't see. I would definitely prefer dead or incapacitated to uncomfortable and irritated. Besides, what scrupleless international terrorist cells are out there developing and implementing Weapons of Mass Irritation?

I want a lethal weapon that will strike my enemy down not just “actively denying” them and pissing them off more – this is war after all! I want them melted down into the brick causeway leading to my castle.

In fact, I want one for Christmas! Just think how effective this ADS device would be to navigate through a thick crowded street or to get oneself to the front of a busy checkout lineup? You repel smelly homeless people from sitting beside you on the bus, or deflect your ex-girlfriend from approaching you at the bar. The possibilities are endless!

The US marines and police are both working on portable versions and the US air force is building a system for controlling riots from the air. Riots from the air – is that ever likely to happen? How often are you ever going to find yourself seiged by a group of disgruntled skydivers? Now, just in case, you can zap them like microwaveable popcorn before they hit the ground.


Blogger nukie310 said...

Nice Post! I like your take on the story.

1:10 PM  

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