Sunday, July 24, 2005

Getting Pissy Over Late Night Infomercials

After a late night session of staring at the glowing television in the corner over a bowl of laced chilled grapes with the room steadily collapsing in on top of me, I was sickly amused to see a commercial for “Urine Gone!” – the latest marvel of enzyme enhancing cleaning products that attack whatever the fuck it is that those little enzyme bastards don’t approve of in your home’s carpets and fabrics.

Over the course of its lengthy three-minute mini-infomercial, this “Urine Gone!” product perplexed me as much it did disturb me. Seeing as how it was 4:20AM in the morning, my eyes were wired open, I am a pet owner, and I hate the smell of urine as much as the next person, I felt this strange stubborn obligation to feign interest*.

For only $19.99 this miracle product will attack and remove all urine and other organic matter (such as feces, blood, saliva and more) and essentially eat up their remaining stains and odors. “Enough to clean your whole house” the commercial boasted. It then went on to play an entire montage of practical uses for this strong anti-urine spray: seat cushions, sofas, mattresses, bed sheets, pillows, car seats, counter tops, table tops, carpets, rugs, linen cupboards, clothing drawers; you fucking name it, this will remove the piss from it.

My question? Who has this much piss (not to mention feces, blood, saliva, and more) in their homes to have such an urgent need for a huge bottle of powerful urine remover? Where do these people live – Seigfreid & Roy’s place?

I’ve been a pet owner my entire life. At any given time, I’ve had dogs, cats, rabbits, chinchillas, guinea pigs, gerbils, lizards, birds, and everything else that squeaks, squeals, squawks, grunts, barks, meows, whistles, or licks itself while you eat your dinner. And somehow, none of them have ever managed to make the fatal mistake of having an accident more than ONCE in my home! Its called “training” people! I’ve loved all my pets and taken excellent care of all of them, but if any of them were ever to become so brazen to squirt their unwelcome business anywhere in my home, they would automatically become tomorrow’s dinner. It was a fine, but clearly defined threshold to abide by in my home.

I simply can’t fathom why anyone would allow so much piss in his or her homes? That’s ludicrous! Judging by the volume of urine in this commercial, your average home is being used as a litter box by herds of buffalo. Doesn’t anybody take their pets out for a walk anymore? Apparently, there is so much potent piss stink emanating in peoples homes on a daily basis that with every purchase, the good people at “Urine Gone!” were also going to include a complimentary ‘Black Light Stain Detector’ free of charge to further assist you ferret out all the secret recesses of pooling urine in your home. I can see where that might be useful if you’re, say, Michael Jackson, but pet owners should not require such a “scientific” device to help keep their homes clean. They need a fucking leash!

“Urine Gone!” is also claims to guarantee that its %90 more effective than the other leading brands of urine removers. That’s pretty impressive, sure, but I would recommend that if your pet is such a sanitary hazard around the house that you instead utilize a method that is guaranteed to be %100 more effective than any of the urine removers in existence, and just shoot ‘Leaky Lassie’ between the eyes with an old Colt 45 in an Old Yeller-style execution.

Honestly, there is no cure for human stupidity. Although hopefully in the future there may be a powerful spray available that removes it from lazy pet owners.

* Well that, and the only other thing on TV of any remote interest was a Discovery Channel documentary on the deadliest venoms on the planet. And believe me, that’s not something you want be watching at 4:20AM over laced grapes; watching a King Cobra strike and consume an entire Rat Snake in slow motion will have your testicles retracting back up into your throat and rate a perfect 10.1 on the overall ‘Squeamish Scale'.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, who's the dummy writing so much about this. Have you consider someone's aging pet(s) might have liver/kidney problems & couldn't control themselves. Of course, Crazytiger would probably just shoot it. (My cat urinated outside the box the last 2 weeks before she died. Some odor is still there.)

11:31 PM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

>>Of course, Crazytiger would probably just shoot it.<<

Fucking-A! I'd retire his furry geriatric ass to kitty heaven before you could say "pass the 'Urine Gone!'"

5:32 PM  

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