Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Lactose Sissybitches!

Now I’ll admit that I’m no Norman Bethune here, but I don’t understand what the big fucking deal is about being “Lactose Intolerant”.

Whoopee shit!

Honestly, I’d hate to be lactose intolerant and ever have to acknowledge this fact in public. That must make you feel very vulnerable to your friends and colleagues when it’s exposed that your delicate sissy-ass insides can’t even digest something as simple and ordinary as a glass of fucking milk. How big a pussy are you?

Of all the worldly dangers and things to be weary of in this lifetime, I think I would feel as fragile as a tomato in a hardware store if I was ever diagnosed with lactose intolerance. Christ, what kind of fucking doily of a human being could ever be brought down by an innocent ice cream cone? That’s no way to meet your maker!

Imagine that obituary in the newspaper the next morning: “Healthy, strong, vibrant male, 33-years-old, brought down tragically in his prime by a chunk of extra old Crackle Barrel cheese.”


Why are these people so intolerant of lactose anyways? Isn’t “intolerance” just another word for “prejudice”? Maybe the question isn’t really why lactose hates these people; but why these people hate lactose.

What the fuck has milk ever done to these people exactly? It has calcium, phosphorus, vitamin D, essential amino acids, as well as looking hot when splashed over naked super models in those billboard adverts – even Santa Claus loves his 'Moo Juice' for fuck sakes! What’s so wrong and evil about dairy products that an entire class of people should go so far as deeming themselves “intolerant” of it all of a sudden? Are these people like the Ku Klux Klan of the supermarket or something?

What if we all were to go and decide that we were suddenly intolerant of something particularly ordinary and unassuming, like broccoli or rutabagas or something, just because it made us feel all nauseous and gassy afterwards? Shit, I feel like that after watching a single episode of ‘Will & Grace’ but I’m hardly about to begin labeling myself as “télévision de fromage intolerant”. Nor is “broccoli intolerant” going to improve my street cred by any great leaps or bounds.

Where did all this hatred directed at certain foodstuffs come from anyways? Fat, chloresterol, calories, MSG, sodium, sugar, I can understand all those - those fuckers will kill ya! But lactose? I’d rather find out that I had an immunity weakness to something a little more substantial and menacing – something a little more recognizably deadly perhaps, like axe murderers, Agent Orange, or falling grand pianos. Something that really strikes fear into peoples hearts!

Who are you going to more sympathize with – some “Lactose Intolerant” sissy bitch…or, someone who’s, say, “Drano Intolerant”? Something that at least sounds a little more immediately life threatening anyways.

So, all you “Lactose Intolerant” hypochondriac whiners out there should just put down your boxes of rice milk and sardine shakes and grab onto the nearest cow teat because none of us real lactose tolerant-types give a shit anymore! It’s not our fault your puny ill-equipped immune systems don’t allow you to enjoy an innocent cup of Yoplait without the risking of choking to death afterwards on your own toxic Chernobyl farts.

“Got Milk?” you intolerant, smelly sissybitches.


Blogger K. Restoule said...

I hate to break it to ya, but Santa is Lactose Intolerant. That's why he shows up at late at night.

You can sometimes hear him curse. "Fuckin Milk, Would it kill them to leave Santa a beer?"

7:28 AM  

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