Wednesday, September 08, 2004

"Fancy a nice cup of piss, luv?"

Quick! Stop the presses! The official word is in from Bangkok that drinking urine can eliminate sinus trouble, turn gray hair black, reduce dandruff, and even cure cancer. So throw out your passé bottles of multi-vitamins and Royal Jelly and quit stocking up on those tins of Campbell’s chicken soup from the discount bin at the local Supermarket, the ‘Traditional and Alternative Medicine Development Center’ in Thailand has attested, based on a recent survey of local Buddhist practitioners, that consuming a cup of urine a day will work wonders on your overall health and help slow the natural aging process. Oh, goodie!

What a unique slant on the old “An apple a day…” yarn that we all practiced and believed in as children. Little did we know, that we should have been chugging back our own piss in order to keep the doctor away instead. Silly us!

Members of the Santi Asoke, a strict indigenous Buddhist movement believed to have thousands participating this in unorthodox piss-sipping practice, were surveyed and indicated that they have learned from ancient Buddhist manuscripts dating back over 2,500 years, that drinking urine improved their health. Now here’s a nice cultural fad being handed down from our learned Eastern neighbors that’s just now beginning to see the light of day. They have even gone so far to claim that 87% of professed urine drinkers confirmed that it had a “head-to-toe” benefit for their health. Pardon? I already know where it comes from, thank you very much, but that doesn’t automatically make me feel better for having drank it straight from the tap.

Imagine being a member of that particular Thai monastery. A bunch of balding monks dressed in yellow saris and all sipping urine from their alms bowls. I’m sure they, as well as all the trendy wannabe spiritualists, will be flocking to the downtown Bangkok Tea Parlor’s to sample the much acclaimed urine quick cures. “Might I suggest Terry-san, that you wash down your spicy Pad-Thai with a nice steaming cup of delicious blueberry flavored urine?” “Sure thing, just hold the cream please and heavy on the sugar.” That’s definitely one café I don’t want to visit!

I wonder what the fashionable way to consume one’s urine is exactly? Do they drink it like a tea, or right from the hose for those who Buddha blessed enough to be able to do so. Maybe they blend it all up with fruits and ice and make it up into some sort of uber-healthy Urine Smoothie? There’s an ominous foreshadowing of things to come fro the menu boards at Tim Horton’s. “Would you like milk and sugar in that, or can I just piss in it for you?” Maybe this will spark a rebirth of the Orange Julius franchise by offering a popular drink alternative to accompany their famous ‘Cheese Whistledogs’?

Who in their right mind would ever be so vain and so overly sensitive about their graying hair and wrinkles that they would even remotely entertain the idea of slamming back the urine shooters like a pledging fraternity member? I can foresee this becoming the popular trend among spiritual New Age neophytes who would happily begin chowing down on ripe turds laid out on hot dog buns if they were ever informed that it would cleanse their aura’s. I’m sure ‘Oil of Olay’ is quaking at the prospect of loosing stock value to ‘Pai-Mei’s Miracle Pee Formula’ as a quick fix to counter the natural aging process.

This has to be a joke, right? Surely, all these supposed Thai Buddhist monks are actually having a giggle at our expense after purposely leaking false medical practices to their naïve, copycat Western counterparts. “Oh my God, look Mook Choo Cow! They’re DRINKING it! They’re actually drinking their own piss just because we said so! What dumbasses!” What are we, like Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials at the global breakfast table or something? "Give it to Mikey, he'll drink ANYTHING!" wonder what these holy gurus will have in store for us next? They’ll probably claim that sodomizing ourselves cures baldness, or smoking toe-jam will add 10 years to life expectancy and give your skin a healthy glow. I can’t wait to see the prepared lunches of the gullible hippie-dippies in the cafeteria in the future: eating their fecal salads with sperm dressing, and drinking warm piss from a thermos. That’s sure some cost for being healthy and looking good, considering that nobody will probably go within 20 feet of them in pure disgust, despite how healthy and gorgeous they are. If I so much as even suspect that urine has EVER crossed over the lips of a prospective mate, she’s as good as day old Tiger Prawns. I’d rather date a girl who has a hairstyle similar to that of Ron Howard, than date a hot runway model who has urine breath. Call me old fashioned.


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