Friday, July 08, 2005

War of the Worlds

I just finished seeing the new ‘War of the Worlds’ movie tonight and I only have two words to say:


Okay, that’s actually three words; but I digress.

“No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacency men went to and fro over this globe about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter. It is possible that the infusoria under the microscope do the same. No one gave a thought to the older worlds of space as sources of human danger, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea of life upon them as impossible or improbasble.”

Fucking right - commence ass kicking!

Seeing as how this H.G. Wells science fiction classic remains as one of my ‘Desert Island’ picks as far as literature is concerned, I was distraught at the thought of it being remade by a souless big budget studio. This initially sounded like a perfect recipe for disaster. So, I was prepared to face one extreme vacuous suck hole of a movie. The fact that Tom Snooze was cast to play the lead role did nothing to help me warm up to fact that one of my favorite childhood stories, one that has up until now managed to escape the recent dragnet of cinematic crappola, was about to be rewritten and remade for the Hollywood big screen.

In fact, I even came prepared with a pencil and notepad with the intent of noting the creative and unique ways that I could introduce Tom Cruise to certain death once the credits began to role. Among those included on that list:

  • throw body in a wood chipper
  • choke with piano wire
  • sodomized by mad hippos
  • eaten alive by piranahas
However, the pencil and notepad were soon forgotten when the movie became so good that I didn’t even give two shits anymore that “Mr. Scientology” was in the movie at all! Honestly, it could have been Carrot Top running around in a tutu in the lead role of Ray Ferrier and I still wouldn’t have left my seat for a single fucking second!

Normally, I’m one of those never-satisfied couch jockey types when it comes to new modern movie remakes. Someone who shits on just about everything ever released or rereleased just mere milliseconds into the first promotional trailer to ever be released to television. So, it was with a heavy heart that I entered the cinema all on my lonesome with my extortionately priced popcorn and soft drink combo.

But was I ever wrong!

It didn’t matter so much to me that the stories plotline was rewritten to take place in the United States as opposed to its original backdrop of London. And considering the recent events to transpire in London itself, this proved to be a very enlightened forethought indeed - although seeing Buckingham Palace or Westminster Abbey being reduced to piles of rubble would have been super-fucking-cool!

Thank god there was no shortage of what made H.G. Wells timeless story so special in the first place – enormous mechanical aliens kicking human ass! Oh yeah, and DEATH RAYS GALORE! Personally, I just don't feel that its a successful science fiction film unless there is at least one death ray or deadly laser beam incorporated into the plot - minimally, one helpless schmuck has to get meaninglessly zapped to a crispy tater in order to win my approval. Beyond that, I’m all about the massive destruction and chaotic mayhem when it comes to these types of blockbusters. The only thing missing from this edge of the seat action thriller was ‘ol Tommy Boy riding Will Smith bareback from behind like a rodeo cowboy while shouting: “How do you my Independance Day now, Fresh Prince?”

And to those I overheard leaving the theater saying that Steven Spielberg really blew the movie's ending: "PICK UP A FUCKING BOOK ONCE IN YOUR LIVES, DIPSHITS!"

The only truely disturbing this about the evening was upon leaving the theater and having some small girl wearing a pair of those hidden rollerskate shoes glide by in front of me like there was a million tiny insects under her feet carrying her across the floor. In my post-cinema state of shock and awe, I almost freaked out at having first interpreted her as some mutant moon walking alien-Michael Jackson hybrid and clubbed her to death with my leftover bag of stale popcorn.

You may continue living for now, Tom Cruise. Just don't be stupid and try to push your luck by trying to star in 'Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea' or something!


Blogger K. Restoule said...

Well I thought the part where Tom Cruise tried to convert the aliens to Scientology was lame, sorry.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Personally I will wait to download it. May not be the best picture in the world, but I have full control. With a weak bladder one tends to avoid the theater. LOL

5:54 AM  

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