Tuesday, February 22, 2005

"...a BTK Killer Combo with fries, please."

(Edited to add, that as of 02-26-05, 59 year old city employee and dog catcher Dennis Rader has been arrested and is being convicted as the elusive BTK Killer. Authorities have not yet revealed if fast food, or Burger King in particular, were prime motivating factors in the BTK murders.)

After nearly 25 years of eerie silence, the notorious “BTK” killer has once again engaged contact with Wichita police officials and the local Kansas television radio and news media (particularly, KAKE-TV). That means that the Boogeyman has been lurking and walking amongst us all this time.

“Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doooooo…”

The BTK killer terrorized the Wichita Kansas area beginning 31 years ago with the January 15th, 1974 murders of the Otero family. The four family members were found strangled with Venetian blind cords in their home. The telephone lines had been cut and semen was found left at the scene. So besides being one sick fuck, this also indicated that the BTK killer’s intentions were premeditated and planned out well in advance of them taking place. Since then, this devious serial killer has successfully claimed 8 murders, 7 strangled and 1 stabbed, up until 1986 before mysterious disappearing altogether. Now the Devil himself has come home to roost!

The nickname of “BTK” was a self-dubbed title based on the killers own self-described MO of ‘Bind, Torture, Kill’. In this time, the clever killer taunted and teased Kansas state police officials and FBI criminologists and profilers by sending regular correspondences, 11 in total that included dark poetry that could inspire Marilyn Manson to seek psychiatric help, and actual souvenirs from the victims themselves and crime scenes over the years.

Just one thing: how the fuck can anyone be even remotely fearful of anybody calling themself BTK? Is this the best that an obviously extremely intelligent individual, albeit a grossly disturbed one with fewer morals than the female guards at the Camp Bucco military prison, could come up with? It sounds like a new limited time only sandwich available at Burger King! I highly doubt that I’m going to be too fearful of anyone named the “Bacon & Tomato Killer”. It’s just a whole lot less “in your face” from a normal psycho killers perspective I would think. Why, with all the other ghoulish names that the killer referred to himself as in his letters*, did he ever settle on just BTK? Shit, I’m more likely to experience more panicked reactions to somebody named ‘Spoofy the Killer Clown’.

I think if I were ever to decide to go on a mass murder spree and engage myself in coy games of ‘cat and mouse’ with investigating authorities, I would first want a cooler handle to be recognized by. BTK just doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of men so much as it gives them a bad case of indigestion. I would instead want a name with balls, something like: the Killinator, or Sir Stranglesalot. Something that really grabs the public’s attention instead of just being misconstrued as another fast food commerical, or anything that could be "Super Sized".

Nor do I believe that anyone would ever allow themselves to be brought to such intense anger and hatred over a simple Burger King sandwich that he is driven to brutally binding, torturing, and killing innocent people before wacking off over their violated corpses. Hey, I’ve had some bad burgers before too, but that would just be over the fucking top, don’t you think? Unless, he’s really trying to tell us something…

Perhaps it’s actually Burger King that is triggering the unconscious of this regular blue-collar schmuck into a bloodthirsty psychotic suffering from advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. That would be one hell of an allergic reaction! I can foresee future media coverage of the pending court trial once the killer is brought to justice. It would be another unique spin on the infamous 1978 David White “Twinkie Case” defense, in which defending attorney’s blamed the killers monstrous rampage on snack food.

Imagine the pitiful pleas to the jury from the accused:

“It’s something in the Special Sauce that makes me want to kill. I can’t help myself! Just one whiff of those flame-grilled paddies and I get an erection and begin to imagine horrible thoughts. The burgers are making me do it, I SWEAR!”

* Nicknames that included: the Wichita Strangler, Poetic Strangler, the Bondage Strangler or Psycho, the Wichita Hangman, the Wichita Executioner, the Garrote Phantom, the Asphyxiator, and even Giggles the Mad Strangler.


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