Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Working Beside the Demon Lady

(Posted in a rare moment where my anger was not misdirected or unintentional. Yeah – it happens sometimes.)

Is there anything more infuriating as somebody with an instant bad attitude? Somebody who will not only automatically see the cup as half empty – but who will actually to try to hunt the motherfucker down who emptied it in the first place!

These people are the true veritable buzzkills in life – and I had the misfortune of sitting beside one today at work.

Usually when I arrive to work - I like to pass through the ‘On-the-Job Training’ department, or the “Bull Pen” as I call it, before settling into the darkest, remotest corner of the building I can find within my own regular departmental work area. I like to gaze over the new rookie employees in all their dedicated focus as they stare fixatedly at the computer monitors in front of them as they work what they have learned in the classroom.

They are smiling and courteous and eager to please. They are still naive and enthusiastic in their work performance like they are actually making a difference – that is, until the inevitable darkness of doubt, disillusionment and bitterness engulfs them like a shroud later on in their work tenure inside Corporate Hell.

But here they are still pure for the moment– like a winters morning. It’s like looking at an artist’s blank canvas. They are still unjaded by extreme levels of office place stress and frustration. They are innocent inexperienced virgins in white satin lingerie on their wedding nights – getting ready to have the shit fucked out of them by the huge barbed cock that is Corporate America.

But perhaps I go too far...

For whatever reason, passing through the new recruits each day gives me a sense of all-powerful superiority. I need this motivational jump-start to my day like I need my first coffee, or that one yellow packet of non-calorie ‘Sugar Twin’, as well as my seventh-inning shit in the upstairs bathroom later on in the day.

So, I wasn’t too upset or uncomfortable at all that a new employee, fresh from the ranks of the “OJT” department, had decided to sit down and work beside me. I could see the job literally paint it’s mural of experience on this fresh canvas over the course of the work day. It struck me as a pleasant and interesting way to spend the next 8 ½ hours anyways.

What sat down beside me instead I figured must have just been laid off from it’s previous job of guarding the gates to Hell. Never had I experienced such intense loathing, hatred, and anger. Where I otherwise may have asked her to be my bride – being this early into my shift, I was genuinely repulsed and recoiled like a vampire from sunlight. She was the kind of person that immediately brought the Book of Revelations to mind!

This new employee was unrelenting. For the next ten minutes, she spewed forth with a venomous tirade on the exact level of shitty that our current job equated to. She went through an entire list of grievances that must have been drafted out well in advance to her being employed with the company - and nobody was safe or exempt! Our management, the “OJT Coach”, the team managers, the fellow employees around us, the security guard, the cleaning lady, her mother, the slow old woman crossing the road on the way to work. You name it – this bitch ripped it a new asshole.

“And good morning to you too!”

Was there something stamped on my forehead that says “I Give a Shit”? Hey man, I hate my job as much as the next minimum wage terminal donkey – but she'd only been here for ten minutes! Usually I need at least 7 ½ hours, a blocked irritable bowel, and maybe a quart of Jack Daniels before I get that testy!

And then it dawned on me completely – this was only her FIRST ten minutes working as an actual gainfully-employed member of this company! Wow! Where did all that instant hatred come from? Embittered employees have studied for centuries in order to draw on that kind of focused corporate aggression – a distinct martial art was even created known as “Yoo Pay Mee!” This girl was apparently a black belt*.

I became more and more agitated with her antics as she continued on her with her endless ranting. Now I’m never one to outright wish for more work – but anything to shut this bitch up! She’s been working here for a whole fucking ten minutes and she feels that she has earned the right to bond with me, a veteran of this corporate madness for three-fucking-years, over how much we hate our job?

Not a chance - you have to earn that right!

Eventually, I just moved away to another quiet corner all stealthy-like when she went off to the bathroom to powder her horns. Obviously, she was beginning the day off on the wrong hoof and I sensed quickly that I wanted no part of that pending disaster when she finally decided to meltdown completely!

The following is what was drafted in response, but for which I was too chickenshit to actually deliver:

“Pardon me there, frolein Maria, how long have you been working here? Ten-fucking-minutes? Whoopee shit, sweetheart! You think you have the right to bitch and complain about your job? Well take a fucking number and move to the back of the ‘Complain Train’, bitch! I don’t give a shit about your grievances, and all I want out of you right now is a little more honest effort and maybe little beads of sweat breaking from your furrowed brow! You have to pitch before you can bitch, sweetheart! And you’re currently talking to the Roger Clements of bitching about work – so fuck off, and 'less talkie – more workie'! Got it?”

* Either that, or she was a nth degree master in Tai Kwon Ho.


Blogger Alex said...

Sheesh like being at work on any given day isn't bad enough.

11:07 AM  

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