Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Aspartaming of the Shrew

There is an eerie disturbance in the force around my daily office routine. The very fabric of my corporate being is in dire jeopardy, poised ready to be ripped to shreds before my very bloodshot eyes. The cafeteria is almost out of the yellow packets of non-calorie artificial sweetener! SOMEBODY ALERT THE EMERGENCY REPSONSE UNITS!

Every morning for the past week I have been noticing the diminishing numbers of available non-calorie ‘Sugar Twins’ packets in the cafeteria. The yellow packets have been steadily declining in numbers quicker than an endangered Saskatchewan Seal loose on the African Plains. They’re like little yellow ships sinking into the blue tide of low-calorie sweetener packets.

There is no real important difference between the yellow non-calorie packets of ‘Sugar Twin’ and the blue packets…well, except for the one-calorie difference (the blue packets are low-calorie sugar sweetener) of course. Both brands of ‘Sugar Twin’ packets are manufactured by the same D’Alberto-Culver Co. located in Toronto, Ontario, and both brands contain the same dextrose, sodium cyclamate, aspartame, and phenylalanine ingredients. Both the blue and yellow packets contain a substance that looks like it should either be secretly dumped into a martini by some femme fatal with a revolver strapped to her thigh, or being snorted off the blade of knife by some dude nicknamed “Iceman” or something.

So I mean, who really gives a shit about ONE fucking calorie anyways, right?

Why is this so distressing? The real difference I think lays in the fact that beyond everything else, even my own state of health, that I am a fucking helpless creature of habit. I MUST have my one yellow packet of the fake sugar shit to stir into my first cup of instant decaf coffee of the day; drank out an unrinsed sticky mug that smells of ‘Strawberry Surprise’ Kool-Aid, dammit! Otherwise I’d be one discombobulated fucking wreck…get it motherfucker?

And, I am certain that I am not the only employee here who is secretly struggling with this developing dextrose demise. I have witnessed other poor, anal, slave-to-the-routine bastards, like myself, foraging through the piles of blue ‘Sugar Twin’ packets in the gray plastic serving tray in the cafeteria like manic squirrels hunting for buried acorns.

This morning I had to throw elbows and engage in open pitched combat with other co-workers in order to find one of the last remaining yellow packets of ‘Sugar Twin’ available, like a desperate hog routing out the last truffle from the garden.

Heaven’s fucking forbid that I should have to stray from my morning office routine and be forced to switch to using the evil blue low-calorie artificial sweetener packets in my coffee instead. It may be just enough of a push needed to finally send me toppling over into complete and utter insanity.


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