Monday, March 14, 2005

Terror Level: Pink to Medium Rare

There has been a recent update announced by the all-mighty Transportation Security Administration (TSA) recently over the weekend, to aid in bettering the security on all National and International flights. This new mandate now stipulates that all raw and lightly cooked hamburger meat will be prohibited from all sterile areas of airports and onboard aircraft – along with other such diabolical instruments of terror as lighters, knitting and darning needles, metal pointed umbrellas, plastic butter knives, and box cutters.

Who the fuck are they expecting an attack from - Mary-fucking-Poppins?

This action is in response to a provision in the Intelligence Reform and Terrorist Prevention Act of 2004, which was signed into law by the Current idiot-President on December 17th, 2004, and requires that “rotten”, raw or lightly cooked hamburger be added to the TSA’s Prohibited Items List.

After carefully evaluating the security threat, TSA determined that passengers should be prohibited from carrying all raw or lightly cooked hamburger, which is classified as a hazardous material, either on their person or in carry-on luggage in the sterile areas of airports or onboard an airport. The policy will be fully enforced beginning April 14th, 2005. Rear Adm. David M. Stone, USN (Ret.), Assistant Secretary for TSA even goes so far as to state:

“By creating policy to add raw or lightly cooked hamburger to the Prohibited Item List we are closing a potential vulnerability in air travel security”.

Whew! The world lets out a collective sigh of relief.

To this, I have but one question: who the fuck would ever pack raw meat into their baggage or carry-on luggage in the first place? I didn’t realize that this was a common thing to pack and transport when going on a trip – I know I’ve never included it on any of my “Remember to Pack” lists before departing on any extended journies by airplane.

“Hey Ethel! Did you remember to pack the raw hamburger along with my lucky cabana shirt and UV-sunblock?”

Resulting from this new security precaution – all raw or lightly cooked hamburger will be banned from sale in sterile areas beyond security checkpoints at airports. This includes, for example, tartare, sashimi, and novelty raw or lightly cooked hamburger*. It would seem to me that it would be more prudent to prevent the sale of raw or lightly cooked hamburger PRIOR to passing through airport security, lest any of this hazardous material should leak out from the bowels of any engorged passenger afterwards and thereby creating a much more threatening breach of security! THAT would be more befitting of an immediate security threat!

Furthermore, TSA’s mission includes preventing air piracy and the use of an airplane as a weapon. TSA prohibits items that may be used to that end from being carried aboard. The raw or lightly cooked hamburger ban will fulfill Congress’ intent as expressed in the Intelligence Reform and Terrorist Prevention Act and reduce security vulnerabilities, providing one more layer of security for the nation’s travelers.

Pardon me?

Did they just try to indicate that raw or lightly cooked hamburger poses a serious threat to the safety of the passengers? Who the fuck would ever decide to hijack an airplane with an undercooked Whopper w/ Cheese purchased in the airport lobby? Wouldn’t that be a little bit of an unlikely weapon of choice for your average anarchist-slash-terrorist to choose from in order to ultimately seize control of an aircraft in the name of whoever or whatever it is that they are carrying out their Holy Jihad injustices for?

“Hmmm. A gun maybe – no. Explosives perhaps – no. An undetectable porcelain knife – no. Or how about a rare Quarterpounder – YES! That’s it!”

I just don’t see it.

Heavens forbid if they should ever get their pre-flight order Biggie-sized - imagine the carnage!

Wouldn’t you love to see the FBI profiles for what is to be considered as a possible terrorist: Red nose and hair, pale complexion, yellow jumpsuit with striped sleeves, and red oversized shoes. Shit, it sounds like Homeland Security may have just declared Ronald McDonald as public enemy #1!

Imagine being a fly on the cockpit wall during one of these airplane hijackings.

“Nobody move! This is a lightly cooked hamburger – and I’m not afraid to use it! I am now taking control of this airplane in the name of mighty Allah!"

While we’re at it, why all the concern over just raw and lightly cooked hamburger anyways? Is cooked hamburger not considered such an important security threat? Well, if I’m not particularly intimidated by an undercooked Whopper w/ Cheese as it is – I doubt a properly cooked one is going to strike fear into the hearts of men either!

As I see it, this new proposed security legislature seems to be a bit unnecessary. Why not make airplane cockpits inaccessible, or increase the number of present airline marshals on board the flights? I doubt controlling and restricting the transport of raw meat will improve the state of National Security any.

Has the world gone insane?

* How the fuck is raw meat considered a “novelty”? I don’t remember that being for sale down at the ‘Party Depot’ store.


Anonymous Shadow said...

Nice blog, this one is well mean Ha Ha Ha Ha!

9:14 PM  

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