Thursday, December 09, 2004

Engaged to be Buried

The girl working in the cubicle beside me today has apparently become “engaged to be engaged”, and has therefore been proudly showing off her new “promise ring” that her future fiancé has just bought her to all our other female co-workers.

WTF does “engaged to be engaged” mean exactly anyways? Either you are engaged or you are not engaged. How can you be both doing something and nothing at the same time? I don't see any common ground here at all! This kind of philosophical philology is enough drive a troglodyte like myself to the very brink of insanity. I haven't been this confused since Superman found Lois' crystal thingamabob and immerged from the green crystal chamber at his Fortess of Solitude in the Arctic at the end of Superman II.

Shit, so let me get this straight: if I’m understanding this correctly, we males, in order to impress our chosen loved ones need to now purchase an extra “promise ring” in order to show her that we in fact have an intention of becoming engaged to her in the future? Is it not simply good enough anymore that we are already expected to spend %50 of our annual earnings to purchase her perfect engagement ring as well as the actual wedding band itself?

After the wedding, are we also not automatically expected to forfeit half of all our planetary possessions and assets to her, and will also probably be expected to grant her instant access to all our credit cards and checking account information (in fact, she’ll probably insist on carrying all your cards and checks in her purse on top of it, just to add insult to injury). Shit, soon we’ll be also be making her student loan payments and paying off her overdue parking tickets, selling all our vintage stag film collections, ordered to stop hanging out with ourusual drinking buddies, take up ballroom dancing down at the local Legion, and having to get rid of our beloved cats because "she has allergies”. Is there no end to this madness? How far out of our way to we men have to go in order to prove our honorable intentions? Where does it end?

Likewise, what the fuck do we men get out of all this exactly? This sure seems like a fuck of a lot of unnecessary money to be spreading around on material jewelry and tokens of commitment in order to simply get some pre-marital poontang on the weekends when her parents are out of town, don’t you think? This extra “promise ring” thing hardly seems fair at all in my eyes!

Christ, it’s like we’d be entering into a future of indentured servitude instead of this happily wedded bliss they keep blathering on about! It’s not like we are still privy to receive a dowry of livestock from the Brides family in this day and age like we would have back in the medieval ages. So how are we expected to be able to afford all this tribute horseshit without having to afterwards carry our new brides over the threshold to our new cardboard box homestead behind the local Denny’s after the big day is over? That’s a marital bed I sure don’t want to considate my vows on my wedding night in!

As well, where then is this supposed “equality” that is considered, oh so important, in the marital vows when already, we’re probably broke as a three dollar wrist watch since we had to surrender our secure financial statuses when we had to make the deposit on that first “promise ring” from Peoples Diamonds? Fuck, we’re not about to enter into a new relationship on equal footing with our brides so much as we are immediately spiraling down the financial ladder into an abyss of debt ~ deeper and deeper, the closer we get to the actual wedding date!

I would feel as if I was instead entering into the new marriage with my beautiful, blushing bride as an automatic subservient…not only would she be “wearing the pants” in the relationship, but she would also be wearing the shirt off my back as well!

We men may as well chop off our balls here and now and affix them to a silver band and present them in a marital alms bowl as a pre-nuptial agreement prior to the wedding.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Instant solution to your disturbing dilemma: If you don't like the idea of giving a woman a promise ring, then don't do it. Likewise with an expensive engagement ring....never been in love with a woman you trust, huh?

1:54 PM  

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