Wednesday, November 17, 2004

How Much for a Shockjob?

Dr. Stuart Meloy, an anesthesiologist and pain specialist in Winston-Salem, has apparently developed a new device that is capable of bringing intense pleasure to his female patients. Initially he was attempting to alleviate and treat chronic pain in his patients...or so he "says".

Meloy’s new “Orgasmatron” * machine involves putting an electrode into the spine of the female patient with chronic back pain, but he soon later discovered that besides simply decreasing chronic pain in his patient, it had a rather delightful and bonus side effect in that it apparently also induced one huge flooding motherfucker of an orgasm! As he proudly stated while being interviewed on ABC News ‘Good Morning America’, when the power was turned on ** his patient let out a satisfying moan and began Tom Jones himself was gyrating his hips only just inches out of her reach.

This special device involves using an actual spinal cord stimulator that implants electrodes into the back of the patient, at the bottom of the spinal cord. When the electrodes are stimulated with a remote control, the brain interprets the signal as an orgasm...and, voila! It's your birthday! This “Orgasmatron Device” is about the size of a pacemaker can be turned on and off with a handheld remote control.

Well that sure sounds fucking romantic, doesn’t it? Christ, I have enough of a self-confidence issue without having to compete with one of these fucking devices. They sound like some kind of menacing Doomsday Device that has been transported around the world in a stainless steel briefcase handcuffed to the wrist of somebody wearing fashionable dark sunglasses!

Soon, our wives and girlfriends will instead be opting to plug into this machine in order to get their jollies in lieu of the tiny limp dick waiting for her on the other side of the marital bed! That’s just fucking terrific!

It’s coming soon fella’s; this is just the beginning! Soon, we’ll be sleeping with a less fit and crankier '7 of 9'...or even worse: Robobitch! Our foreplay will be reduced to: “Honey, can you plug in my spinal electrodes please?” How emasculating. How manly will we feel if our significant others require 120 volts simply to get off? Hard to be the man when your partner prefers fucking a pair of jumper cables than they are in riding your sorry ass beef bayonet another time, isn’t it? You damn fucking skippy, it is!

That’s not a world that any man should be forced to live in! Not unless of course, they were also to design a male composite of the “Orgasmatron” ***. We could hook similar electrodes into our nuts or something so that we too could experience the same thrill of mindblowing orgasms (in which case, we would in all likelyhood loose all our vested interest in female’s altogether and spend our days fondling the remote control like it was turning back time). We'd remain on the couch 24-7 with our eyes rolled back into our heads and a plastic bucket at our feet in order to catch the massive quantities of spent orgasms we've repetetively given ourselves.

So yeah, thanks a-fucking-lot, Dr. Meloy, for this inspiring apocalyptic sexual landscape and for making the lives of millions men with inadequacies issues, like myself, even MORE vulnerable to Love’s cruel charms…you prick.

* Wait, wasn’t that some old Transformer robot that also converted into a swamp buggy or something?

** No pun intended.

*** I would like to forth the suggestion of naming it the “Ejaculator”. Or was that a Heman cartoon character?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seem to recall a similar phenomenon...the introduction of Prozak into the main stream prescription drug market. I recall when it came out it was rumoured to produce an orgasmic effect when the patient using the drug sneezed. Of course, this whole thing might be a figment of my imagination, but I am sure it is real.

9:12 AM  

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