Thursday, November 11, 2004

Pig In A Poke

A 45 year old man, Austin Gullette from Ouachita, LA, has been charged with having sex with his sisters Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig. Gullette’s sister caught him in the act of boffing l’il Porky behind the barn when she heard her beloved pet squealing * behind the family barn around 11:00pm and went out to investigate.

The woman reportedly observed her brother engaging in intercourse with her pig named P-Pie, but when she confronted Gullette he fled into the night, and was only later caught and arrested by local authorities.

Mayor Royce Toney with the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office said that the eyewitness account and all the physical evidence collected from both the victim and Gullette are what prompted the arrest and the immediate charging of Gullette for committing a ‘Crime Against Nature’. Fuck, there’s a forensics crime lab that I’m glad I don’t work in! That must have been a real pleasant experience to collect and examine the various swine vaginal juices and mixed bodily fluids from both the victimized P-Pie as well as the alleged pervert in question. I bet the County Coroner wishes he had called in sick that day!

Gullette now faces a fine up to $2000 and five years in jail with or without the possibility of hard labor. That’s a pretty hefty penalty for fucking your kid sister’s pet pig, huh? I bet he wishes he just ripped the heads off all her Barbie’s, or burned her collection of Kirk Cameron posters in her bedroom, or something that most normal big brothers would have done to torment their little sister…but, OOOOOOH NO! He just had to take out his penis and violate something!

P-Pie is currently under observation at a local veterinarian, where I guess she is undergoing treatment and crisis counseling by a team of specialized animal psychologists to help her get over her trauma and to let the healing begin.

But maybe five years hard labor is a bit too much of a penalty for the crime. After all, any pig named ‘P-Pie’ must have just been begging for it, right? WTF kind of name is that for a Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig anyways? Sounds like the name for something that would be walking the barnyard in fishnet stretchy pants and kinky boots looking for “a good time”. I bet all the local farmers and farmers sons have had their own hog imbedded in P-Pie’s piggy cooch at one point or another.

Shit, this is Louisiana for fuck sakes! Why is anybody really surprised at all? Is this not the birthplace of sexual promiscuity? Down enough liquor drinks and hand over enough plastic novelty bead necklaces and not only will you be able to have your way with most livestock, but you would also be able to film it and put out an entire “PIGS GONE WILD!” video series in no time, for purchase over the Internet with any major credit card!

* Which is a pretty sure tell sign that something is amiss, unless the neighbors are just holding a screening of 'Deliverance' in their backyard.


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