Monday, November 08, 2004

The "Dirty Word Generator"

Did you ever wonder who takes the credit for creating all those really uber-filthy swear words that you only use on those most special of situations? I originally thought that it must be some kind of potty-mouthed Thoreau who works feverishly with pen to paper in order to conjure up all those really colorful superlatives that we let fly each time we stub out toe in the middle of he night or spill hot coffee on our genitals. You know, those particularly inspired raunchy slogans that would make even Roseanne Arnold cover her virgin ears.

Then I realized: there is actually nothing much to it at all, and that absolutely ANYBODY can vituperate like a drunken sailor spontaneously with the help of an all-encompassing ‘Dirty Word Generator’ for direction!

First, you need to have a primary category of easily recognizable offensive nouns from which to build your cuss word on, to act as the initial foundation of your curse if you will. I have found that most easily derogatory of swear words begin by building on a particular naughty body part that is not often referred to in normal polite conversation. Such forbidden bodily words as:

  • Cock
  • Dick
  • Tit
  • Twat
  • Ass
  • Scrotum
  • Pussy
  • Nipple

Next, make a second list of specific nasty action words with which to give life and meaning to your newly created curse word. Such creatively suggestive blasphemes could include:

  • Suck
  • Munch
  • Bite
  • Smoke
  • Shit
  • Fuck
  • Stain
  • Stroke

(You can build on your lists of bodily and action over time to ensure yourself a continuing fresh source of filthy verbage in the future)

Now, once you combine a foundation word from the first group of words, and then amalgamate it with a dirty action word from the second category of words, you will then successfully be able to create your own instant swear word in the heat of the moment to impress even the most worldly and bitter of Merchant Marines.

Just think of the endless possibilities:

  • Cockmunch
  • Scrotumfuck
  • Assbite
  • Pussysmoke
  • Twatsuck
  • Dickstroke
  • Nippleshit
  • Titstain

Once you have mastered the “Dirty Word Generator”, you’ll be all set and ready for the guys on Poker Night. Soon, you’ll be rattling off the obscenities with little to no preconceived thought or consideration for others around you and you’re bound to be the hit of all the neighborhood taverns, docks, bowling alleys, bus terminal lobbies, and local Union CAW Halls for a long time to come. They will sing folk songs to honor your filthy mouth.

PRESTO! Instant Andrew Dice Clay!


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