Monday, November 29, 2004

The Gospel According to Velveeta

Recently, the spiritual world and religious communities have been turned on their ear with the announcement that a decade old half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich that happens to bear an amazingly striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary in it's crust was being made available to purchase on Ebay. Even more dumbfounding is the fact that this same grilled cheese sandwich has been sold for a mere $28,000 and is now currently being taken on tour throughout the southern states. Isn't that just fucking spectacular?

In fact, millions of viewers that became fascinated with this most unique Ebay auction have been turning out in droves to witness for themselves this holy divination in the crust of a grilled cheese sandwich. If ever there was deserved a definitive WTF from yours truely; this would be fucking it!

What an interesting twist of fate this presents for those faithful tour goers who are usually most commonly dependant on selling the old standard $2.00 grilled cheeses in the parking lot in order to finance the next leg of the journey in order to make it to the next show(ing). Now instead of making and selling their grilled cheese fares, they are following one across the country!

I bet that this common parking lot marketing strategy has undergone a complete and utter overhaul when it comes to this particular tour. I mean, a commonplace $2.00 lot grilled cheese must be a real letdown after you’ve just paid out considerably more to see one with the likeness of the Virgin Mother on it, wouldn’t you think? How big a let down do you suppose that would be to be sold one without? Perhaps maybe, these touring religious fanatics have had to adopt different strategies to selling popcorn balls or fried baloney sandwiches instead.

This grilled-cheese tour juggernaught is currently being championed, state-to-state, by the current occupier, a Miami Herald journalist, Jim Defede. The Virgin Mary sandwich is now traveling First Class – as the Blessed Virgin should – in a custom-made carrying case and riding in her very own virgin white Cadillac.

Well, isn’t that just fucking special? A 10-year-old* grilled cheese sandwich is currently enjoying a better quality of life than even I am! Hey, thanks a lot God...hold the cruel irony on that last order, okay? Am I ever going to get the opportunity to go on a cross-coutry roadtrip in my honor...not fucking likely is it? This scheduled tour will take the blessed sandwich through Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and finally into Nevada. Shit, and here I can hardly afford to leave my own rinky-dink hometown of St. Catharines but a few times a year on quick weekend getaways to exciting Rochester, NY!

As well, this whole thing has me deeply contemplating how exactly I feel about my modest place here on God’s great Earth when a half-eaten cheese sandwich has seemingly more clout and spiritual worth than my own meager existence? Shit, hopefully I too will be equally rewarded by having a Virgin Mary likeness appear on perhaps a used sheet of toilet paper of mine, or maybe on a slice of peanut butter toast or something? Suddenly, my life seems very small and insignificant compared to that of one simple slice of processed cheese haphazardly slapped between two ordinary slices of grilled bleached bread.

HOW ABOUT SHOWING ME A SIGN, HUH? Am I not worthy afterall? Hey, thanks a lot there Jehovah! Like I wasn’t suffering from enough insecurities as it is!

Already, others have taken this same cue and a whole new plethora of food items are immerging with the same similar likenesses to that of the Virgin Mary…from frozen Cod cakes to Ruffles chips.

The craze has begun!

* Apparently, the holy spirit that has embodied this sandwich has been able to also stave off mould and disintegration over the past decade. Who said that the Holy Spirit wouldn't preserve you?


Post a Comment

<< Home