Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Officeplace Phenomena

Today at work, I was unfortunate enough to be stuck between a rock and a hard place...well, more of an ice cube and a gaseous place really. Allow me to explain.

Sitting on my right, was a fellow co-worker who is about as personable and warm as Roseanne Arnold with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For the duration of my 8 hr shift today, it felt like there was this slowly advancing glacial wall of ice moving towards me across the desktop separating our cubicles from her immediate direction. And providing that she has been working here in this Corporate Wasteland as long as the weariness in her facial features would seem to indicate…I may have just discovered what actually killed off the dinosaurs.

For the remainder of the day, I would have to use the reflective surface on my metallic coffee mug to look into in order to see down the work aisle in her direction lest I should make eye contact and be instantly turned to stone like mighty Perseus cleverly waging battle with the hideous beast Medusa. Heaven help me if this sourpuss has spaghetti for lunch!

To make matters worse, on the opposite side of my cubicle is a rather smelly right-wing conspiracist who must have either had three-week-old Egg Salad on his lunch break, or I have just discovered where Saddam has hidden those weapons of mass destruction! Not since the battlefields of Ypres has there been such a massive emmitance of thick clouds of vile and noxious gas.

Great! Sub-zero to my right, stinky Oliver Stone on my left...I feel like an Eskimo trapped in a whale’s asshole!

With these two extreme conflicting warm and cold air masses meeting each other head on over my cubicle workspace, I was concerned at the time that I may end of the victim of some freak indoor meteorological phenomena, beginning with little tiny twisters winding themselves across my computer keyboard and through my many work manuals and office Memos leaving only chaos and destruction in their wake, and ending with me being sucked up into a wind funnel never to be seen again *.

I want to put all my Team Managers on immediate alert for such weather related office disasters. I expect them to be on guard with special state-of-the-art atmospheric equipment spinning wildly on their computer tops, and with a rusted Ford Bronco idling in the corner ready to give chase should any one of these office twisters decide to land anywhere in the vicinity of our call center.

* Which wouldn’t be too bad considering my current surroundings. Of course, there had better be some midgets making with the lollipops when land again or there will be hell to pay!


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