Monday, November 22, 2004

Celebrity Piledriver

In my Robatusin-induced dementia this afternoon, I had a premonition while napping on the couch that just may be the new cutting edge of future Reality Television programming ~ ‘Celebrity Piledriver’.

Imagine a new TV series where each week, a new contestant is allowed the opportunity to run amok on the streets of Hollywood and simply piledriver any celebrity they find into the cold, unforgiving ground. Who wouldn’t want to participate in a game show like this, right? Each successful concussion timely delivered to an unsuspecting media celebrity will be rewarded with a $100 cash prize (like mounting Carrot Top’s cranium into a Beverley Hills crosswalk wouldn’t be reward enough?). It’d be beautiful!

Imagine the broadcasting phenomenon that would ensue. It would make ‘Cheaters’ seem like ‘Shakespeare in the Park’. During the course of any single episode, the lucky contestant could be given the opportunity to piledrive anyone from Tori Spelling to Bea Arthur! The possibilities would be endless on any given night: Michael Jackson, Alec Baldwin, Brittany Spears, Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gary Coleman, Shannen Doherty, Paris Hilton, George Clooney, Charlie Sheen, David Hasselhoff, Rene Zellwigger, or Corey Feldman. I’m getting a hard on just thinking about piledriving Pamela Anderson into the ground and leaving her unconscious twitching corpse lying prone outside of Mann’s Chinese Theater. “That's for leaving Baywatch! There’s your “V.I.P.”, bitch! VERY IMPORTANT PILEDRIVER!”

Following ‘Celebrity Piledriver’, there could be a special bonus airing of ‘Celebrity Trauma Room’, as we see these same unfortunate celebrity victims being brought in afterwards and placed in traction as a result of having their poor celebrity heads planted into the sidewalk on Rodeo Drive.


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