Tuesday, November 16, 2004

"And Behind Door Number One..."

The most awkward and terrifying moment in a bachelor’s life is the split second just before he opens the door to his apartment after returning home with an invited female companion.

In the back of his mind, he is already envisioning mass destruction and chaos on a global scale. In that moment it takes to find his key and actually open the door, he is no doubt already panic stricken trying to remember whether he left his dirty underwear in the hallway, or whether there are still wet bath towels crumpled in a ball on the floor, or maybe cat puke sitting in neat little dung piles on the plush carpet, or how about a sticky Hustler magazine left sprawled open on the couch next to some wadded, crunchy tissues?

Trust me; nothing brings the mood of your evenings date skyrocketing down faster than the a space shuttle reentering the earth’s atmosphere, than routing out and scrubbing clean two chipped juice glasses from within a mountain of greasy dishes left fermenting in the kitchen sink, in order to pour your date a night cap of vintage Bordeaux. Yeah, there’s a real “deal sealer” if ever I saw one! Likewise, I sure wouldn’t like your chances of coaxing any sympathy hummers from your date when there’s an unflushed turd still steeping in the toilet bowl. Can you say: “TAXI!”

I think it would be prudent to design a special bachelor’s spy hole for the outside of his apartment door so that when he returns home with his latest prospective partner he can just quickly look inside for an advance sneak peek into his apartment to ascertain the damage and be prepared to launch the necessary measures to correct the discovered faux pas upon entry and thereby avoiding unnecessary embarrassments.

Does a submarine captain ever surface without first taking a peak above the surface with his periscope? NO! And neither should the unfortunate bachelor! Imagine the awkward situations that could be avoided if he could simply have seen the ‘Lay of the Livingroom’, or the ‘State of Squalor’ as it would be, before committing himself to the annals of Dating Disasters.

"Cap'n! We have a skidmarked bogie off our starboard bow!"

"BLAST! Deploy the decoys, all engines to maximum power...rutter to full port!"

"Ay ay, Cap'n!"


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