Thursday, June 03, 2004

Employee Depreciation

Oh happy day!

My two years of flawless indentured servitude at my place of employment has finally paid off as I was chosen today from the "Weekly Employee Draw" for the first time and was the lucky recipient of a whole half day off with pay. Great, but does that mean I still have to thieve used "spill-proof" drink containers from the employees 'Lost and Found'?

A half day off with pay; four hours, worth approximately $35.00 in taxable income. Whoopee-shit! That's the best I get for two years of dutiful employment? Geez, for $35 why don't they just hire a toothless prostitute to give me a quickie in the alley behind the building on my next lunch break? At least then I may feel somewhat "appreciated". I was hoping for a bronze statue to be erected in the lobby in my likeness, dancing girls forming naked human pyramids while I am carried around the workfloor on an ornamental pedastal by virgins in fig leaves over a strewn bed of rose petals...something more worthy of my superior workplace magnificence. But I digress.

Of course, I wasn't actually there to receive my token of appreciation (I was currently too busy performing my daily duties at the time arguing with some bumpkin who couldn't grasp the basic concept of "past due balance") for my dutiful service and I am only hearing about it secondhand from my work peers. I would like to maintain the faith that there was much rejoicing at the time on my behalf, fire-juggling, naked nymph cheerleaders spelling out my name on cafeteria tables, and the singing of heroic ballads written in my honor by my Operations Managers, but sadly it probably only amounted to a brief mumbled announcement and a split-second of unenthusiastic token applause from the other disgruntled losers in attendance.

What exactly is this thing known as "Employee Appreciation"? After the last "Employee Apreciation Day" at work, I still wake up with the cold sweats from nightmares of funky sausage that would take down an army of mutant goats quicker than a plague virus sweeping through the Geriatric Ward at a public hospital in Calcutta India. I remember vividly the indigestion pains that had me at the time considering enlisting a Catholic priest to excorcize the evil sausage demons from my belly. "The horror, the horror..." Least of all, did I feel "appreciated". I would have felt more "appreciated" if they had just hired a bunch of skinheads to kick the shit out of me in the company parkinglot.

If they REALLY wanted to go over the top to prove their true appreciation for us, instead of giving us rancid meat and half days off with pay, why not grant us control of an Appache Attack Helicopter and allow us to call in an air strike on any one dimfuck customer of our choice? "Please hold tight, Ms. Schwanger. Your technical assistance has been dispatched and will be with you momnetarily."

At the very least, they could allow me to indulge in a small harmless workplace fantasy that I've entertained for years. They would grant me the opportunity to take a steaming dump in the female workers bathroom.


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