Thursday, July 22, 2010

Personality Type: Jackass

I just completed a personality survey at work this afternoon in an effort to provide my current boss with some further insight into what kind of employee I am exactly. This way, he will supposedly have a leg up on what it takes to successfully develop me professionally – or some other bullshit like that. Personally, I think this is just another concentrated effort by Corporate America to find out in advance which one of us employees are the loaded weapons ready to go off in the cafeteria with a deer rifle early one Monday morning.

Now I know what you’re saying, “But Terry is the TITS! Why should he have to take a personality test? He’s the man!” And I agree as - typically – I hate this survey nonsense too. But then again, who doesn’t love filling out the odd meaningless survey about themselves? It’s just one of those secret guilty pleasures we all indulge in once in a while like Cheese Whiz, Infomercials, or Michael Bolton albums .

It’s not often I ever find any real substance in these surveys but, every now and again, they seem to hit the nail right on the head and prophecy something so profoundly specific that you have to wonder if witchcraft is involved. Maybe it somehow determined in its formularized summary analysis of you; something no one else could have known. Something, like, the fact that you are apt to trim your nose hair in public, or that you like to be spanked by a midget dressed in a French maids outfit with a slice Montreal smoked meat – whatever. It’s like it just knows! And this work personality survey this afternoon was very similar in that it just seemed to define my very character to the letter.

It was almost creepy.

It was evident from the get go that this survey was different. The questions it poised were vastly different and more introspective than of the other personality surveys I’ve taken in the past. Some of the questions were so deep and detailed that my head was absolutely swimming after dwelling and contemplating them for too long. They seemed as if I should be required to have a degree in Shinto philosophy or a black belt in Post-Modern Psychology, or something, just to be able to even answer the damn questions.

You always value justice over mercy (yes/no)
You often think about humankind and its destiny (yes/no)
You often contemplate about the complexity of life (yes/no)
You are more interested in a general idea than in the details of its realization (yes/no)

Really? I don’t know exactly. But let me meditate on it over coffee and muffins and I’ll get back to before lunch.

I’m as useless as a bucket or armpits at answering these types of questions. I’m not one to really explore my soft and spongy emotional side very often, so throwing these types of self-exploration questions at me first thing in the morning is like expecting to teach String Theory to a mackerel. The most I spend thinking about destiny or the future is while watching the advertisements for the new Fall television line up.

Some questions were just downright weird:

You feel involved when watching TV soaps (yes/no)

Yeah, there’s something every man wants to admit to. Oh sure, I tear up at just the mere opening notes to ‘The Young & the Restless’. What does this have to do with my professional maturity exactly? How does this serve to accurately pigeonhole me into a particular classification of functional society? Why not just ask me if I find Judge Judy hot for all the relevance it provides?

Some questions were obviously intended to gauge my emotional stability.

You trust reason rather than feelings (yes/no)
Your actions are frequently influenced by emotions (yes/no)
You frequently and easily express your feelings and emotions (yes/no)

No guy like talking about his feelings – or, at least, no real man anyway. I get flooded with paranoia about what the answers to these emotionally based questions will tell about me. The last thing that any man wants to hear is that he is a total SpongeBob Gaypants. I purposely refuse to answer these questions as they tend to make me upset enough that I need to take an extra break to go have a quick cry in the office ‘Quiet Room’. That might just be the final push I need to go register for a gun license.

Some questions are just outright impossible to answer outright.

It's difficult to get you excited (yes/no)

Well, that’s totally subjective isn’t it? It depends on what we’re talking about here right? I may sleep through an entire parade of dancing semi-nude calendar girls outside my window, but then work my way through an entire box of breakfast cereal just to get to the plastic toy at the bottom. Who knows? It entirely depends on the day. You may as well as me:

What is the sound of one hand clapping? (yes/no)

So what were the results of this survey that was so bang on? Apparently, I am a classic “Provider”. Who knew?

“Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups.”

Great. The same could be said about John Wayne Gacy.

Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.”

See how fucking awesome I am? I’m a regular Mother Theresa.

“Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like.”

You mean I missed my big chance to make a lucrative career of proctoring school dances? Well, there’s a total missed opportunity. If as long as they mean “skilled in maintaining teamwork” as, carrying a big stick and not being afraid to use it dole out the odd random beat down – then I agree.

“They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.”

Okay, as much as I appreciate knowing this, it also just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

“Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. ”

Sensitive? Sympathetic? Self-conscious? Caring what others think? Clearly the makers of this online survey were not familiar with any of the work of yours truly. But I guess no survey is ever completely 100% accurate, is it?

“Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind.”

Oh yeah, I’m totally a people person.

And lastly, “Providers are loving and affectionate and need to be loved in return.”


Interestingly enough, among the celebrity Providers listed were Ray Kroc, Dave Thomas and J.C. Penney, Desi Arnaz, Elvis Stojko, Sally Field, Leonard "Bones" McCoy, and Donald Duck.

I don’t know how to take this exactly. What does it say when two fast moguls, a schizophrenic actress, a gay figure skater and a dull-witted cartoon foul with anger management issues are listed as those with strong similarities to you? And the doctor on Star Trek…Bones…really?

In retrospect, I’m not sure how much I really identify myself with this survey. As flattering as it is all intended to be, maybe – sometimes – a knight in shining armor just turns out to be just another retard in tin foil.

Survey here.


Blogger A said...

Love it. Your awesome.

10:01 PM  

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