Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Welcome to Canada!"

(The following post has been taken largely from the article “Woman claims she was strip-searched, mocked by border agents”, appearing in the St. Catharines Standard, July 20th, 2012. In actuality, I find this situation to be completely deplorable, embarrassing, and totally disgraceful…but, hey, I gotta be me at the end of the day)

While relaxing yesterday evening with some cocktails down by the pool, I was delighted to discover an article in my local newspaper that absolutely warmed the cockles of this cold, empty shell that is my heart. Yes, life was certainly good at Chez Tigerrabbit yesterday.

I was instantly sucked in when I first read the headline “Woman claims she was strip-searched, mocked by border agents”, and I figured it had something to do with another example of paranoid, power hungry Americans wreaking vengeance on us poor, innocent Canadians; as we all know how the Americans have such a hate on for all things Canuck anyway. First it’s the baby seal outcry controversy, then the whole Great Goose Holocaust only a few days ago. It’s like every time we turn around the Americans are taking an opportunity to hassle us. We’re like their ugly, retarded step-sister or something.

But no more! I was delighted to learn that the actual perpetrator’s of said “strip-search and mockery” was actually the Canadian border customs officers. And to this, I say: BRAV-fucking-O! It’s high time we stood our ground and gave a little what for in return. We do “Stand on guard for thee”, after all, right?

As it turns out, Shileen Flynn, 29, had already “missed one flight and lost her luggage when she says she found herself in a room at the Vancouver airport, naked and squatting, while two crude border agents strip-searched her”. Bear in mind that this was only days after a suspected al-Quida member tried to ignite an explosive device aboard a Detroit-bound flight in December of 2009. Flynn was on her way to Palma de Mallorca, Spain from Seattle to begin her new job as a public relations officer.

Whatever, she was “a day behind schedule, having missed her flight from the U.S. the night before, and had to catch the next plane to Germany to she could catch a flight to Spain to start work the next morning. And somewhere along the way, the airline lost her luggage”. Yeah, yeah, whatever sweetheart. Sounds like a likely story for a potential terrorist threat if you ask me.

So, anyway, as she was talking to her mom on a pay phone she is approached by a Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) officer who asks to speak with her. No doubt to question her about whom she was just making plans to eradicate world peace with over the phone. Hey, we may be good natured and kind, but we’re definitely not going to fall for that whole “I’m talking to my mother” routine.

The officer proceeds to ask Flynn where she was travelling and why she was using a pay phone. Flynn was then asked to remove her sunglasses so that the officer could, no doubt, see the whites of her eyes. Now, you don’t have to sit through a zillion Clint Eastwood movies to know that that’s, like, the cardinal rule of homeland security, right?

To this, Flynn flagrantly defied this instruction by pushing her sunglasses back down her nose again after flipping the officer a defiant glance. Strike two, bitch. The officer became aggressive and proceeded to search her carry-on luggage. No luggage, pay phone, sunglasses…all that’s missing from this profile is a bandolier of plastic explosive and a one way ticket to Mecca.

So after more questions and a royal sniffing over by the customs search dog, Flynn was detained and strip-searched by two more female CBSA officers. Flynn was made to “bend over a table, open her legs and cough.” Now we’re talking. Who knows what Flynn might have been concealing or attempting to smuggle into our peaceful home and native land. Weapons of Mass Destruction, secret microfilm, national security secrets, or just leftover ping pong balls - who knows for sure? Better safe than sorry.

In fact, CBSA issued an explanation after its initial investigation into the incident that effectively said: “that a strip search can be conducted if an officer has reasonable grounds to suspect that a person has secreted contraband on or about their body, as long as a senior officer approves the search, and the suspect is informed of their rights”. Too fucking right! It’s not like this type of thing is unthinkable or has never happened in the States or anything, is it? Shit, if this had occurred in the states there would be pictures circulating around now of Flynn strapped into a saddle and nipple clips while being ridden around by a customs officer giving the ‘thumbs up’ sign a la Gitmo.

Maybe Flynn should just consider herself lucky.

The Flynn’s are still pursuing the incident and demanding further investigations be made into the whole debacle. Personally, I think this is just a simple case of giving a little harassment back to our over-bearing, meddling, goose-killing neighbors to the south. How does it feel, you Yankee bitches?

So in response to this whole event I will only further say: “AND STAY OUT!”


Blogger Charlie said...

The only problem is Shileen is a Canadian and was leaving Canada so she was trying to get out! It is so unbelievable that most miss this part of the story.

Ask Pierre to explain, he promises to answer all questions and do a prompt full and thorough investigation to prove the innocence of his agents every time. It took him only seven prompt months to not do any investigation thorough or otherwise in to this matter.

Charlie Flynn

4:16 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

I absolutely stand corrected.

8:56 AM  

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