Monday, July 19, 2010

The Lohan Lowdown

Okay, I need to get something off my chest here.

Former child diva, Lindsay Lohan, has checked herself into a plush Los Angeles “sober lifestyle house” this week in an effort to thwart her pending 90 day jail stint as the result of violating her past DUI infraction. So another spoiled rotten “celebutante” is on the skids…whoopee shit, right? And I agree for the record.

Typically this is something I wouldn’t give a second consideration to, however, upon a little investigation into this acclaimed “sober living” house I was somewhat shocked to learn that the place reads more like a four star vacation resort than it does a rehab center. So what does this say about her actual intentions to clean up and get her act together exactly?

The name alone “Pickford Lofts”, just screams swanky from the get go. Certainly not the type of place you’d expect any real healing to take place. Each loft boasts a large living room with a flat-screen HD cable and DVD player, a sofa, two recliners, coffee & end tables, wireless high-speed Internet access. If she gets a bit peckish she can hone her culinary skills in a fully stocked kitchen with refrigerator and double-sink. Later, she can relax and dwell on her predicament in organized meditation classes and 12-step support meetings. Sounds pretty awful, right? To this effect, she can burn off the anxiety of dealing of her issues in a fully equipped gym and recreational facility. Geez, that’s brutal.

Shit, the place sounds like Hugh Hefner’s rumpus room for Christ sake!

So how does this in any way indicate that she has turned over a new leaf and is intending to better herself towards a more mature, responsible lifestyle? It more sounds to me like she’s just going away on vacation for a little while until the whole courtroom drama unfolds and the public eye turns itself to the next binge-drinking Hollywood idiot savant stupid enough to go for a tipsy joyride down Rodeo Drive.

In other words, she’s going to learn absolutely nothing. Clearly, here is a perfect example of somebody who should have been on the receiving end of an epic spanking – the likes of which hasn’t been seen nor recorded since Jesus’ fateful jaunt down the Via Dolorosa. Hell, it’s not too late! Maybe a public doling out of corporal punishment will help her put things in proper perspective, not a brief layover in a trendy Fantasyland that most homeless and destitute people would sacrifice their eye teeth to visit, even if for only an hour.

I say, if she really wants to do some penitence and turn her life around she should be completely stripped of her celebrity status and, say, spend the next few weeks working as my maid scrubbing my bathroom, cleaning out my kitty litter and taking out my trash. Forget the frou-frou lifestyle, I’ll whip some sense into the girl and see to it that she learns a thing or two about responsibility through good ‘ol fashion humility and hard work. If she even so much as looks at another bottle of booze she’ll break down into fits of uncontrollable panic attacks a la Clockwork Orange.

Trust me!


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