Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Winter Terror

The three stranded climbers have been found and rescued from Oregon’s Mt. Hood yesterday.

Thank Christ!

Now, finally, perhaps we can get back to the real important news such as crazy astronauts in diapers and dead celebrity paternity suits. The stories that really matter.

This particular story has had Anderson Cooper licking his chops since Friday as 6 people have been killed over the weekend in 3 different avalanches. Forget about tsunami’s, hurricanes, leaky levees, or any insignificant on-going ‘War on Terror’, evil has a new face of terror – a white, fluffy face of terror, but a face of terror nonetheless - Avalanches! And lately, the state of Oregon has been the new Ground Zero as 3 climbers and a black lab named Velvet had recently been behind some rocks after falling into a snowy canyon.

Was I the only one who thought we should have just let these dumbfucks freeze?

After all, who goes climbing in avalanche-warning areas, in near blizzard-like conditions? Only 35 climbers have died on this mountain in the last 25 years! That's better than one person killed per year. Not exactly the kind of odds that I'd feel too comfortable with in choosing my leisure activities. I’d say this was the very essence of Darwinism in action.

What kind of dipshit actually enjoys winter climbing anyway? Why not just take up something less dangerous, like, swimming with hungry tiger sharks. Winter climbing; there's a fun activity for the whole family. Pack up the kids, grab the dog, lets all trek up the side of a mountain in 70mph winds and sub zero temperatures! Yaaaaaaay!

The three who fell were part of an eight-person party that set out on Saturday, camped on the mountain that night, and then began to come back down on Sunday when they ran into bad weather, officials said. As they were descending, the three slipped off a ledge and fell about 100 feet. Someone in the party placed an emergency call to authorities.

The three had gotten into their sleeping bags to stay warm and cuddled up with their dog for warmth. Unfortunately, Velvet will now have to undergo severe psychological counseling.

Wow. That’s totally Cliffhanger for sure! I can almost see 'ol Sly's muscles rippling now.

I just hope that when the search party members from the Portland Mountain Rescue Patrol reached the trapped climbers, they greeted them with a warm, open-handed judo chop to the Adam’s Apple for wasting valuable public resources and time. As well as endangering the lives of the many rescuers who attempted repeatedly to reach them in the dangerous zero visibility conditions.

These climbers should have their status as card-carrying members of the 'Upright Citizens Brigade' revoked permanently! Time to take up a newer, lesser "rad", or "gnarly" hobby, like, say, lawn bowling fellas.

As could be expected, the media ‘Terror Machine’ kicked into overdrive and milked this tragedy like a Guernsey cow. For days, while the search continued for the climbers, we were treated to such compelling informational segments as “How Avalanches Work” *, and the late-breaking “Winter Terror” updates. CNN won’t be happy until we’re all screaming in the streets and clawing at each other in line at the airport for one-way tickets to Acapulco whenever it next begins to flurry.

I have even been encouraged to check out daily to find all the updated information on pending avalanche conditions in my own neighborhood. And if I’m not mistaken, the snowdrift that’s been accumulating on the awing above my kitchen window has been upgraded to an ‘Orange Level’ alert.

I won’t be able to leave the house now - for days!

When did we become so paranoid of snow anyway? Winter is supposed to be fun, dammit! We're supposed to be dashing through mounds of the white shit joyfully on thins sticks strapped to our feet, not risking being buried on remote mountain passes! That's just fucking stupid.

But, oh no! Blame the snow. The evil, evil snow.

I remember tobogganing off highway overpasses and skating alone on remote frozen ponds without the slightest concern. Those were the carefree days of my youth. Now, thanks to CNN’s whole ‘Culture of Fear’ doom and gloom prophesies; I wouldn’t be surprised if kids nowadays were terrified to build a snowman. They’d probably have to have their snowmen legally registered with City Hall as potential sex offenders in their neighborhood…because you just never know.

Suddenly, winter doesn’t seem so, so, crisp and pure. Does it?

Hell, who has time to enjoy their Winter Wonderland when there’s the risk of an avalanche barreling down the street on top of you as you make your way to your car? Before you know it, parents won’t even let their children build snow forts in their backyards without a mountain locator unit.

* Yeah. Snow gets heavy at the top and rolls down the mountain. I get it now. Thanks, Einstein!


Blogger Jay said...

Ohmigod, I just recently told a bar full of people that those jackoffs should have been left for dead. What are the chances of anyone in the whole world actually agreeing?

6:30 AM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

This happens in BC all the time. These people think they're invincible.

2:16 PM  

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