Wednesday, July 14, 2004

The Cell Phone That Ate Chicago

I was amazed today to overhear some of my work peers clucking on about this new super improved, high-powered cell phone that has just recently been released on the consumer market with all the enthusiasm of a another “Roll up the Rim to Win” campaign at Tim Horton’s. When did men begin to discuss cell phones over car engines in a lame attempt to assert their fragile male machismos? Instead of gathering around the open hood of a supped up hotrod in the parking lot of Tim Horton’s with their cups of double-doubles, they now swoon over and compare their cell phone features like a bunch of yuppie pansy-asses. In a nutshell, to hear them speak about this freak of telecommunications sounds like they are describing some gargantuan beast that would otherwise be running roughshod through the streets of some major city and trampling everything in it’s path in some cheesy B-movie horror film!

However, I have to admit that the conversation sounded strangely intriguing in the same way that one finds the details of a crime scene gruesomely fascinating. As they listed through the specific details of the new ‘Motorola V220’* cell phone, it occurred to me that these design features sounded more like the design layout for the most recent NASA Space Shuttle. And for only a mere drop in the bucket at $319.99, I’d expect it to perform as such.

The features included on this particular state-of-the-art cell phone Frankenstein included Mobile Internet access, two-way text messaging**, video clip playback, 22 KHz polyphonic speaker to play both MP3 and WAV files, 1.8 MB of built in flash memory, hands free speakerphone, phone book capable of storing up to 500 entries and picture caller ID. Shit, if it came with a built in pair of nail clippers and a toothpick the entire Swiss Army would go green with envy.

Also, the new ‘Motorola V220’ even comes with fancy entertainment features like 22 embedded*** ring tones and the option to download even more, a motomixer which enables your keypad to double as a mini-DJ booth in order to remix your ring tones with more bass or echo (no doubt that could instantly shatter the windows of store fronts and parked cars within a quarter mile radius), and three embedded games including ‘Billiards’, ‘Skipping Stones’, and ‘Submarines’. Christ! It’s a self-contained fraternity keg party that fits into the palm of your hand. With one of these little marvels of telecommunications everybody can be just like Moby scratching out the break beats to their downloaded ‘Roll Out the Barrel’ ring tone MP3 file while plotting out strategic Naval strikes on Imperial fleets in International waters.

I could go further into the real technical specs of this wonderment of technical wizardry but you’d have to be fucking Bill Gates to understand any of it. Surely, this is the gizmo that would have even James Bond creaming in his tuxedo pants. Basically it seems, that it would be entirely possible for one to be dropped into the middle of the Sahara- fucking-Dessert with only the hi- tech ‘Motorola V220’ cell phone and be able to survive comfortably for weeks on end, all the while playing 9-Ball Billiards with a camel and watching reruns of the Golden Girls on the video playback. In fact, with the enhanced digital VGA camera (ONLY with four different zoom lenses!) installed and high resolution messaging and ‘FutoFunPack 2 Photoshop” equipped in the phone, you could have an entire Penthouse photo shoot with the camel as well as any wandering Bedouins that may be caravanning by at the time to be stored as your own digital photo scrapbook for when you decide to return to civilization by relaying a satellite signal of your exact location to the MIR Space Station through your cell phone to organize your extraction by Naval Rescue Helicopter.

* Which more sounds like something that would have bucket seats and be a serious contender to take the checkered flag at the Indianapolis 500.

** This baffles me. Why would one need Internet text messaging access when they have a friggin’ phone to call?

*** I don’t think this term is a very effective marketing phrase unless you're either a hip gangsta rapper like Snoop-Dogg, as you're trying to instantly bring images to impressionable anglo-saxon prospective buyers about being roughly bludgeoned and resulting in having things unwelcomely planted in their foreheads.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am positive that I overheard the same conversation and am ashamed to admit that I came down with a severe case of cell phone envy. Why only 6 months ago my phone was one of the best...but...ALAS...I have come to the harsh realization that I have a run of the mill cell phone. While it has colour screen, crazy ringers, 2way text, internet access, voice dialing, and a paintshop like program it pales in comparison to the speaker phone really the whole point of me writing this was to brag about my phone and hope that someone would listen.

4:36 PM  

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