Saturday, July 24, 2004

Getting Ahead in Terrorism

After watching CNN, it has become aware to me that hostage taking, and beheadings in particular, have become all the popular rage among fashionable terrorist organizations. It seems that everybody in the Middle East either belongs to a particular underground organization, Revolutionary Front, or People’s Liberation Army. Hell, even little Habib’s Islamic High School Youth Marching Band is probably in on the whole trendy Jihad action as well and is out feverishly kidnapping truck drivers, journalists, and independent businessmen and threatening to lop off their heads in front of a television camera. You just can’t consider yourself a true-blue hip anarchist of the times unless you’ve carved through an innocent persons neck with a dull Bowie knife. Until then, you’re considered just another hack *.

It would seem that threatening to behead unfortunate innocent hostages is the commonly accepted way to convince the resigning powers-that-be to relinquish their stranglehold on the just and simply cave into whatever list of demands that that particular organization has presented it with, whether it be the withdrawal of military forces from occupied territories, the denouncement of religious leaders, or simply the delivering of a double cheese Deluxe Pizza with pepperoni and anchovies. It’s just how successful negotiations are conducted in this ever-changing fast-paced terrorist world.

Pretty soon if things continue as they are, we’ll have people taking hostages for the most mundane situations like boycotting the clear-cutting of tropical rainforest, the rapid destruction of nesting habitat for the Great-Horned Hoot Owl, or the return of the 'Barbeque McRib Sandwich' to the regular menu at McDonald’s. Picture a grainy film stock on the evening news depicting your average blue-collar schlup claiming to be a member of ‘Bobby Joe’s Crusade for Homeland Justice’ with a McDonald’s paper bag over his head threatening to behead Mayor McCheese unless his list of demands are adhered to immediately.

How long before the rest of the world simply grows bored of this exteme method of protest and simply turns a deaf ear to the situations altogether? "Oh, that's just crazy 'ol Mohammed El-Azir bitching about the Shi-ite occupation of his homeland again. Just ignore him, and he'll behead a toursist and be done with it."

There are so many popular active terrorist organizations now that you can’t even swing a dead martyr around without smacking a revolutionary upside the head. I wonder if there is an official World Terrorist registry that each organization must register with in order to be considered a legitimate Terrorist Organization? Most of these recognized terrorist organizations sound more like contagious diseases than they do the perpetrators of evil: Fatah Tanzim, Harakat ul-Faqra, Al-Ummah, Abu Sayyaf...not to mention more “Fronts” than the Italian mafia. Why can’t they come up with a name that would be a little more easily recognizable, not to mention pronounceable, instead of using this seemingly standard cookie-cutter formula for naming their Terrorist Organizations? I think I am more likely to take heed of threats issued by a terrorist group that I can both pronounce and relate to like: ‘Bob’s Revolutionary People’s Army’, 'Jimmy and the Jihad Boys', or ‘New Kidnappers on the Block’.

* No tasteless pun intended.


Blogger JRF said...

Nicely done sir!!!!

Not only have you thoroughly entertained me, but you've filled me with all sorts of wonderful ideas as to how to go about getting what I want in this world.

Look out Canada. Celine Dion is mine!

My list of demands will be simple:

Give me the secret formula for Ketchup and Dill flavored potato chips!!! (They just don't make 'em right stateside)

Now if only I can find a way to make it to Canada and back without being held up at the border for six hours in both directions . . .

5:02 PM  

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