Friday, July 21, 2006

The Days of Miracle and Blunder

Is anyone else bored to death with the whole Israeli/Hezbollah conflict thing yet? It has been a week already since the Israeli’s first decided to strike back by bitch-slapping Lebanon in retaliation for abducting two of their soldier’s.

It’s been all exploding bombs and dusty debris ever since.

But even the bombing updates get boring after awhile, don’t they? Even the news correspondents - you can tell - are all beginning to get anxious and are really secretly hoping for something different to report on. Maybe a nice beheading, or kidnapping, or how about a good ‘ol fashioned gang rape at some local orphanage? You know – something juicy.

Anything but more bombs!


Maybe if the Israeli army and Hezbollah were to agree to duke it out with swords and throwing stars, I’d be more inclined to give a shit. But as it is now, I haven’t been this bored since ‘I ::heart:: Huckabees’

Even hurricane reports sound more inviting right about now.

But you know what really pisses me off about the whole current escalating Middle East conflict? That the entire story now seems to have shifted to the pending rescue operations of thousands of North American vacationers stupid enough to be caught in the crossfire. And by all accounts, those suddenly needing to be up and rescued are not happy with the responses from their home governments in the face of disaster.

This is old news, you dipshits! Now tell us something we didn’t know.

Even if you were of Middle Easter decent, why would you ever go to Lebanon of all places? Can’t you just go to a travel agency and experience the majesty of the Holy Land by leafing through all the free travel brochures? Even if you have family still living there – ever heard of a little something called EMAIL, you idiots?

Haven’t these asshats even heard the first track on Paul Simon’s ‘Graceland’?

“It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio”

C’mon people! Open your goddamn eyes already!

Now there is a tsunami of incoming complaints from those victimized travelers of mass disorder, a lack of necessary provisions provided - ie. water, food, and clean underwear* – as well as no definite plan of action for their immediate extraction. Stranded families have been waiting in airport lobbies and on marina docks for days waiting to be rescued. Shit, you’d think they still thought they were still on vacation and bitching about shitty room service!

Serves them right. What a bunch of whiney pricks!

Who the fuck goes off on vacation to Lebanon or Beirut in the first place? Honestly! Perhaps if they had tuned their television sets into something else besides ‘American Idol’ for even two minutes before they left on their trip to the epicenter of an ongoing war zone, they might have been a little smarter. Who needs a suntan that fucking badly that they would risk a surprise mortar attack to do so? How did that family vacation-planning all come about exactly?

"Hey dear, let's get away from it all for a while. Let's go to Lebanon."

Sounds pretty fucking stupid to me.

The moral of the story seems to be: if you stop to rescue retarded vacationers from the middle of a dangerous war zone, they are just going to bitch about it. No matter what!

Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper even detoured his own private jet leaving from a Paris airport to the island of Cyprus in order to pick up over a hundred stranded Canadians and return them back to safety on native soil. And they still fucking bitched that he didn’t do enough! What, is he supposed to piggyback them on and off the plane too? Maybe don a nice little French Maid outfit and serve drinks mid-flight as well?

Ungrateful sons of bitches.

He could have left your ass in the blazing sun to be used for target practice. The least you can do is acknowledge his efforts.

* One such staging area just outside Beirut has become affectionately known as 'Brown Town'.


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