Friday, July 07, 2006

A Brief History of Horseshit

Look who’s suddenly become all Mr. Mack Daddy – Steven Hawking!

Hawking, arguably one of the most brilliant minds on the planet, or indeed mankind, showed up in Hong Kong this past week to address a sold-out audience at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology.

But before we delve into the whole nitty-gritty of the Hawking Hong Kong to-do, lets first look at the bigger picture – is that his newly installed Swedish scalp massage, or is Steven actually getting lucky there?

This does nothing to encourage my poor bruised male ego. I can walk, talk, open doors, and generally just do more than sit there and grin like a retarded chimpanzee, yet I’m lucky to find a date on Friday nights, and R2-fucking-D2 here looks like he gets more pussy than Warren Jeffs! And we’re not talking about girls with faces put together like ransom notes either – we’re talking about super hot blondes with primo sets of meat balloons! Now, either he, unbeknownst to the world, is hung like a mutant bull or somebody has some “discretionary charges” made to their Black Card.

Sure, he’s super smart and all, but how sexy do you think it really gets in the bedroom come luvin’ time?

“Th-ats…it, ba-by, tou-ch…me… the-re. Fa-ster. Oh…ye-ah. Who-z…your…dad-dy?”

I image feeding old people would be more sexually stimulating. Not really your typical Big Bang theory.

Anyway, according to the muppet in the motorcart, the survival of the human race depends on its ability to find new homes elsewhere in the universe because there's an increasing risk that a disaster will destroy Earth. Oh goodie.

"We won't find anywhere as nice as Earth unless we go to another star system," added Hawking.


Just like that.

Is he really implying that we need to colonize outer space in order to save the species? Yikes! I can barely step outside my front door some days and this dude wants me to try my luck in some whole other star system? Sure, sure, Stevie. Whatever you say. Just make sure you remember to pack lots of Haagen-Daas and cancel the 'Penthouse Letters' subscription.

He said that if humans can avoid killing themselves in the next 100 years, they should have space settlements that can continue without support from Earth.

"It is important for the human race to spread out into space for the survival of the species," Hawking said. "Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of."

Pretty cheery guy, huh? Or maybe he’s just all 'post coital'.

One of the best-known theoretical physicists of his generation, Hawking has done groundbreaking research on black holes and the origins of the universe, proposing that space and time have no beginning and no end. Of course, you need half a dozen hits of strong LSD to understand any of it. This recent public declaration, however, shows a more radical departure from his past researches, and is reminiscent of the work of American astrophysicist Carl Sagan, who was a believer in the existence of extraterrestrial intelligence.

Sounds like the typical bullshit people talk about in their dorm rooms when they get high if you ask me. What’s so impressive about that? Lord knows I choked back more than my fair share of bucket bongs and came up with some pretty wacky far out theories – but you don’t see me acting all smart n’ shit.

What is “theoretical physics” anyway? I think theoretical shit up all the time and nobody pays me any attention, much less hands me a PhD. Of course I don’t have any fancy motorized wheelchair or travel with a hot blonde fluffer, but at least I know that the ‘ol Agent Mulder routine is passe, dude.

Who wants to colonize the Moon, or Mars? I’ve seen plenty of pictures of the Moon’s surface and it doesn’t exactly look like a kickin’ place. Likewise, all I know about Mars is what I learned in Schwarzenegger’s ‘Total Recall’. And although the thought of being serviced by chicks with three tits is not altogether unappealing; creepy taxi drives with insect arms are not. I think I’ll stick it out here.

Besides, for the billions of kajillions of dollars it’ll take to make any of this science fiction space colonization mumbo-jumbo possible, why not just invest it instead into fixing the place up? Eliminate fossil fuels and implement cleaner and more economical sources of renewable power maybe? Hello? Repair the Earth’s ozone, perhaps? Anyone? Replant those rainforests? You know - return it the way it was in the first fucking place!

And this guys some kind of genius?

In other dipshit genius news, Hawking also announced his intention to write a children’s book about the universe aimed at the same age group as the Harry Potter books. Does anybody else smell ‘Contact 2’?

Way to jump on the bandwagon, R2.



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