Tuesday, July 18, 2006

HEA 101 - An Introduction to Practical Office Hygiene

Imagine the scene:

A male employee walks into the Men’s washroom and walks up to the urinal, where, after unzipping himself and fumbling around for a moment, he sighs in relief as he begins to piss. After a few moments, he shakes himself off, unzips his pants back up as he turns around and walks back to the sink. He already knows that this workplace of ours, being the sterile and sanitary place it is, demands that he wash his hands before returning to work. He begins to run the tap and, ever so delicately - like a kitten pawing at a leaky faucet - dabs his fingertips into the trickling water.

Okay, my first note of concern: “JUST YOUR FINGERTIPS?!” Who are you kidding, dude? I don’t know about you, but either this guy has a chopstick for a penis or he’s damn well short changing everyone else on not thoroughly washing his hands. I’m concerned either way.


Look needle dick, I don’t care how nimble your finger dexterity is in retrieving your Johnson from your pants - wash your fucking hands! Dig? Every time I finish pissing I’m like a fucking ER doctor in there scrubbing up before surgery. I’m practically elbows-deep in the sink and working up a good lather with sterilizing soap.

What can I say? Some say I’ve been blessed.

But the scene continues:

While he wiggles his fingers underneath the dribbling tap, he begins to check himself out in the mirror. I can see it register in his eyes: “My God! You are a sexy bitch, aren’t you?” Then his eyes lock onto something in his reflection, and before you know it, he brings his fingers up and begins to preen himself. A real Cinderella getting ready for the Ball. The process quickly culminates into his running his other wet fingertips through his hair for that, oh, so fashionable “wet look”.

Good God - I’m going to puke.

I’m practically agape by this time over watching this guy run his pissy hands through his hair.

Is he so blind to that dipshit he sees in the mirror that he doesn’t mind foregoing basic sanitary practices? This guy obviously has the personal hygiene of a Tijuana donkey show fluffer. I almost think I can hear his thoughts: “You know what would make me look even more hip n’ cool? Running some pissy fingers through my hair to give it that added just-got-pissed-on sheen.”

Do us all the favor, buddy, and just do what you failed to do when you first walked in here to take a piss – get a grip!

Somebody turn this guy over to the ‘Health & Safety’ department as a walking contamination site. Here’s the proof that we have to resort ourselves to posting ‘Please Remember to Wash Your Hands!’ signs everywhere.

Way to go work yourself up that Evolutionary Ladder, piss boy.



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