Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Tsunami Insanity

(If you didn't think the previous 'Wave of Mutilation' post was in good taste, I wouldn't recommend this post either.)

The entire planet has suddenly been turned on its axis with Tsunami Insanity! The very term “Tsunami” itself has joined other such powerful hip popular terms as ‘Shock and Awe’, ‘Ground Zero’, ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction’, ‘Cone Density’, and “Bid’ness" as recognized cultural catch phrases. All these recent 'Tsunami Disaster' reports on television make this past summers 'Hurricane Updates' look like merely being caught in a heavy rainfall.

Richard Quest has been no doubt beating off in the Green Room at the CNN studios since Boxing Day at the prospect of getting to report on such massive human tragedy. This guy sounds like he was placed on this planet to make these disaster television broadcasts; like it was his very purpose in life or something! With a name like Richard Quest, he was destined to be a television anchorman. He sounds like a classically trained Shakespearian actor reciting passages from the chapter of Revolutions in the Bible…he sounds that ghoulish and unnerving to say the least. What else could he have been? It’s not very likely that he was ever going to join forces with Wolf Blitzer back in college to form a popular music folk duo act to tour the country known as ‘The Quest & Blitzer Experience’, or 'Crosby, Stills, Quest & Blitzer' now is it?

As I understand it from Mr. Quests crisis broadcasts, the thousands of decomposing dead bodies left littered on the beachfronts and coastlines in the wake of the killer tsunamis this past weekend may actually threaten to kill another equal amount of victims to that of the tsunami itself. These exposed, festering corpses harbor deadly infection and diseases that will ultimately lead to sudden epidemic breakouts; such wonderful and wholesome diseases like cholera, dysentery, respiratory infection, malaria, and most recently chicken pox.

Chicken Pox? What the fuck do chickens have to do with gigantic destructive waves in the first fucking place? Isn’t that getting a little carried away with the placing of blame on the poor innocent tsunamis for all the possible future outbreaks of health crises? Shit, why don’t they just also blame illiteracy, racism, and the rise of Reality Television on the recent tsunamis while they're at it?

As it is, International health and relief organizations have emphasized that getting clean water to the survivors is an absolute priority. Pardon?

Food, medical aid, building materials…fuck, even surf boards I might be able to understand a need for! But, fucking WATER? Didn’t these people just barely manage to survive the massive 20ft walls of water as it is? And aren’t their entire worldly possessions still currently floating in the middle of the Indian Ocean, while their living rooms have been turned into the deep end at the local YMCA public swimming pool?

So why the fuck then would they desperately want WATER? Haven’t they had enough water in the last few days already? How unnecessary and redundant is that? It’s like prescribing a chocolate cake diet to somebody suffering from obesity and high cholesterol, or giving cigarettes to somebody struggling with cancer. Shit, they need more water like the Titanic needs another fucking iceberg!

"WATER? That’s the last fucking thing I would include on my list of priorities after a Tsunami Disaster, thanks, Richard!"


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