Thursday, March 24, 2005

Wendy's 'Chili Macabre'

Remember those urbane legends growing up that involved somebody getting a foot long pube in their 'Fillet O’Fish' or a crispy fried insect in their 'Biggie Fries'? Well, Wendy’s has gone and out done them all! They have assumed the rightful triumphant position on the grand ‘Crème de la Gross’ scale of crowning achievements in the area of Fast Food hygiene – a human finger was discovered in a bowl of their chili!

Pardon me while I yack up my stomach lining. How fucking disgusting is that?

A woman’s meal at a Wendy’s restaurant in San Jose, CA redefined the term “finger food” when she bit into the remains of what would turn out to be a severed human finger. Good God! That’s enough to traumatize anybody enough to never be able to fucking eat again! I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer is salivating at the prosper of this grizzly devil’s delight, but I assure you – I will never step foot in a fucking Wendy’s restaurant EVER again!

Officials said the fingertip was approximately 1 3-8-inches long and a half-inch piece of fingernail was also found. They believe it belongs to a woman because of the long, manicured nail.

There’s that unpleasant tingling sensation in my scrotum again.

Santa Clara County Health Officer Dr. Martin Fenstersheib said that, luckily, the finger had been cooked at a high enough temperature to kill any viruses. Well say, that is good news! And I’m sure that will be of great comfort to the poor unfortunate Wendy’s customer who chowed down on this Hannibal Lecture delicacy that the finger was properly prepared and cooked to perfection according to only the highest of State Health regulations. Thank God it wasn't an ill-prepared finger - that could have been dangerous!

Health investigators seized all of the ingredients at the restaurant and are concluding that the finger must have gotten into the chili at an earlier stage and are tracing it back to the manufacturer, based on the fact that all employees were required to show proof of having 10 fingers at the time of the incident. Wow! Has the State of California enlisted the aid of Scotland Yard now to or what?

“We have no evidence of any accident within the employee’s of the facility itself.”

Umm - hello? HOW ABOUT THE HUMAN FUCKING FINGER? That seems like pretty good fucking evidence to me!

Similarly asinine is the released statement from Wendy’s spokesman Joe Desmond in regards to the incident:

“Food safety is of utmost importance to us. We are cooperating fully with the local police and health departments with their investigation. It’s important not to jump to conclusions. Here at Wendy’s we plan to do right by our customers.”

This makes me want to charbroil some bureaucrat ass. If by “cooperating” you mean checking to see that employees are leaving with the same number of appendages that they started with, then sure - otherwise it just sounds a lot like damage control to me.

And what "conclusions" could I be unfairly jumping to anyways? Is there a good side to chomping down on somebody’s mutilated body part in your chili? We’re not talking about allegations of two teenagers wacking off in the special sauce, we’re talking about a whole severed human finger here! Heaven’s forbid we should ever judge too fucking hastily!

And if Wendy’s really does want to “do right by it’s customers”, then I hope Dave Thomas plans on working a lot of overtime slaving over the grills in order to pay off the years of intense psychological therapy that this poor woman is going to need.

And as for this poor woman, all that has been said at this point is that:

“Initially she was a bit grossed out and vomited a number of times.”

Like that isn’t the understatement of the century! I bet this woman would have been drawn to attempt to cut out her own tongue with her plastic cutlery following this horrific discovery in her mouth. I also bet that a “number of times” is more likely in the ballpark of six, maybe seven, dozen times. I know if I ever found a human finger in my chili I’d be Rolfing streams of pure nastiness, non-stop, for entire fucking weeks on end!


Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Something you said gave me an idea - what if it was Dave Thomas' finger?
Now THAT is nasty.

1:29 PM  

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