Wednesday, February 09, 2005


A new ‘Adult Novelty and Video Entertainment’ store has just opened up in our neighborhood. Just what a nice residential, god fearing, family-orientated community like the one I live in needs; a convenient one-stop smut shop. I suppose this means now that I will have to be on special watch out for peepers, perverts, and “pornophiles” around the neighborhood, as well now having to keep a closer eye on my cat when I let him outside.

Just fucking perfect! (No pun intended)

The real scary thing about this new Porno Emporium is that it has seven, extremely obtrusive, red* neon X’s flashing in the front window that I expect can probably be seen from Jupiter. To look directly into any one of these neon X’s would probably result in both your retinas being burned out of your eye sockets if for even only a second. The combination of the seven together rivals that of the sun in intensity. I suspect these intimidating X’s in the shore’s window act as a beacon to signal it’s whereabouts to the perverts in the neighborhood, much like a smutty lighthouse, drawing them in like a neon siren song.

Also, why seven red X’s exactly? I’m already quite familiar with the usual series of one, two, three, and even in some rare cases, four X’s, but SEVEN?

WTF? That has to be some really filthy shit! What kind of depraved acts of sexual perversion could possibly be so uber-nasty that it’s required to carry a universally recognized rating of seven-fucking-X’s? The place must have videos of men boinking women (and I use that term loosely) who are just one huge fucking vagina or something. Or maybe, this particular ‘Adult Novelty and Video Entertainment’ store is the last bastion on earth that still offers bootlegs of extreme underground ‘Penguin Pit-Fighting’ videos which is otherwise banned on six continents and in most other decent and moral circles of popular, well-adjusted society.

Given the already graphic nature of pornography currently available at any local 'Higi-Hagi Mart' today, what kind of complete smut monger would still need to then think to himself “Hmmm, you know, these Triple-X anal gangbang fetish videos just aren’t hardcore enough. What I need is something more graphic. Something with more of a disturbing Sept-X rating.”

Who would even frequent a store like this? I bet you couldn’t swing a “rubber-beaded, double jelly dong” without hitting anyone who may be, or on their way to being the next Paul Bernardo! I wouldn’t even be able to touch anything inside a place like this lest I should catch some rare strain of alien STD or something and my penis falls off completely; much less browse the aisles for the intended purpose of purchasing or renting anything. I think I would probably commit hara kiri if anyone I knew were ever to catch me within half a city block of the place, much less ever entering or leaving the establishment (another term I use loosely). That one would be a little difficult to explain away.

"Ummmm, HERE? Oh, NOOOOOOOOO! Nononononono, not me! Well okay, yeah. I bought these nipple clamps for my mother as a Christmas present, but I have to return them for a size larger. Besides, it's the only place that sells Heavenly Hash scented candles."

So, I wonder what Grandma wants this year for her birthday? Maybe I can luck out and find a great deal on some good ‘ol fashioned juicy Japanese fetish piss videos with a coupon I clipped out from the inevitable “Grand Opening Orgy” flyer that will no doubt end up in my mailbox tomorrow morning.

* Red, as it should be noted, is the commonly recognized color symbol of fire trucks, MacIntosh apples, clown noses, and scorchingly hot, porno. The kind of porno that requires a deadbolt to be installed on your bedroom door.


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