Monday, January 31, 2005

Dedicated Follower of Fashion Updates

I was bothered by something peculiar last night, which I hope, isn’t a sign of future media trends to come.

Here I was, camped out in front of the idiot box as usual, when suddenly, my chosen program was rudely interrupted in order to bring me such an important “Fashion Update”. WTF? Has it finally been declared that wearing white pants after Labor Day is a recognized capital offense punishable by lethal injection or something? What in the all-encompassing world of dedicated fashion is so bloody important that it’s worthy of preempting my beloved television programs? This had better be fucking good!

Of course, it wasn’t.

What the fuck is the point of broadcasting a “Fashion Update” anyways? There is no sense of immediate urgency or crisis involved in the situation whatsoever, so what kind of ‘Update’ IS this exactly? And what purpose it is serving exactly by interrupting my regularly scheduled programs so that I can be brought up to speed on the ever-evolving world of High Fashion? You just know that Wolf Blitzer wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about any ridiculous ‘Fashion Update’, so why should the rest of us? So, get back to me when Mother Nature goes all ape-shit again.

It’s not like whatever new chic fashion runway craze from the mean runways of Milan is ever going to ever have any direct bearing on my current social life now is it? How many wealthy Italian playboys do I hang out with? Umm...let me see.....oh yeah, fucking NONE! If I, or anyone else within my immediate sphere of social influence, were to ever show up to any 'Bowling Night' wearing one of these extreme 'Fashion Update' monstrosities, they’d be automatically ridiculed as a fagpie and probably be forced to bowl on their own at the far end of the alley.

It’s not like anyone I know ever wears, or can even afford to wear any of these 'Update' fashions anyways. I don’t expect that any of us ordinary middle-class schlups are going to alter our established blue-collar threads anytime soon, nor do I believe that there are any esteemed fashion designers who may have been interested by such a late-breaking 'Fashion Update', sitting at home on their couch watching community television either. So why the fuck should any of us be interested in an important ‘Fashion Update’ for? I don't get it.

As I see it, I’m not likely to begin wearing $3,500 designer leather pants with a $14,000 one-of-a-kind stitched jacket made form specially bred Californian baby seal hides…so, where’s the “Update” exactly? The models are still gorgeous aren’t they? Of course they are! I don’t doubt that for a second. Hell, a chiseled Swedish supermodel could be on her hands and knees rolling a dog turd down the runway with her nose while scantily clad in an outfit made entirely of old oyster shells and used dental floss, and she’d STILL look absolutely uber-fucking-hot! This is not an “Update” per se.

Perhaps the real ‘Fashion Update’ would be if they instead decided to use more homely, unattractive runway models in stained track suits. That would at least be out of the ordinary and therefore worthy of preempting my precious programs!


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