Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Gay Bomb

"It’s official! The Pentagon has considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal."

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an “aphrodisiac” chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other? This provoking of widespread homosexual behavior among troops would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale, the proposal goes on to say.

Wait! Are we talking about some kind of “Gay Bomb” here? How does that work exactly assuming that we aren’t really at war with some kind of rare species of tree frog? Are we just going to airdrop Richard Simmons exercise videos, the latest Greatest Hits CD release from Queen, and pairs of pink workout tights into enemy territory or something?

Other ideas in this proposal included chemical weapons that would attract swarms of wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Why don’t they just erect low-income housing and achieve the same effect? I would even happily donate a few angry rats and wasps from my own apartment to the cause...what the hell, I'm a humanitarian afterall.

Another idea was to develop a chemical that caused “severe and lasting halitosis”, making it easy to identify guerillas trying to blend in with regualr civilians. WTF? I’d think that months on end of living in dank concealed bunkers and eating only scraps of rancid leftovers may already be taking care of the bad breath among enemy soldiers since I don't believe that oral hygiene is considered a high priority among front line rebel soldiers. Nature is already working that angle for us, fella's.

“I could name that guerilla terrorist in three breaths, Jim.”

Yet another idea was to make the opposing troops skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight. How the fuck are they going to do that exactly? Is there some kind of transmittable disease that turns people into vampires, or are they just planning to bleach all the body pigmentation from each enemy soldier so that eventually they look like entire legions of Glad Bag guys?

These plans, from U.S. Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, OH date back to 1994. The lab sought Pentagon finding for research into what they then called “harassing, annoying, and “bad guy”-identifying chemicals.”

Pardon? Did they say “Bad guy”-identifying? You mean to tell me that some lunatic dressed in a turban and carrying an RPG launcher while shrieking out some blood-curdling war cry at the top of his lungs like some enraged banshee isn’t enough of a “bad guy”-identifying indicator for most people?

Granted towards this six year research plan, was only a mere drop in the bucket at $7.5 million dollars. SEVEN-POINT-FIVE-MILLION-FUCKING-DOLLARS to design something that will “harass and annoy”? Fuck, how do I get in on that easy money?

I’m a certified expert on the art of harassing and annoying. In fact, I have already in my short 31 years of existance on this planet achieved a master status black belt in the "Annoying Arts". Just ask my Grade Six teacher, Mrs. Walker when they finally release her from the Norris Wing of the St. Catharines General Hospital.

Why didn’t somebody just consult me directly? I could have cut a deal and maybe saved taxpayers some serious coin. Shit, I could conceive more harassing and annoying ideas just on the commercial break for Battlebots alone, than the Wright Laboratory ever made during their entire 11 years of research at the extortionate price of $7.5 million dollars in government funding!

For example, why not save all the “chemical” wear and tear on the environment altogether and just spend the same monetary equivalence that you would have spent on research and development to airdrop a perfectly environmently friendly Jim J. Bullock into enemy territory to attract homosexuals to the sight to make the area equally uninhabitable to the enemy?

Who knew that my talents learned as an old bartender and currently as a “Customer Service Representative” would have best suited me for a career in ‘Top Secret’ weapons design? Talk about missing your calling!

Lastly, while I’m on the topic of chemical weapons? Weren’t we supposed to be crusading an international cause to eliminate the mass-producing and usage of chemical weapons just only recently? Or are “Gay Bombs” not considered “Weapons of Mass Destruction”?

Apparently, “Weapons of Mass Discomfort” or “Weapons of Mass Gayness” are only merely considered as “non-lethal”, and therefore are okay for use on our enemies. Isn’t that kind of hypocritical?

Chemical is chemical isn't it? Perhaps it's not dropping bodies in gasping fits and seizures or burning out their lungs from the inside, but I'd sure still hate to visit the area a few years into the future when the real environmental damage begins to be assessed. Entire species of desert animal will all become extinct because they suddenly stopped naturally reproducing as they were all transformed into Liberace.

Besides, I don’t know about you, but if I was ever faced with the possibly of having my nads shrunk up into my chest to form some kind of unnatural “man-gina”, or to begin wearing frilly peek-a-boo fatigues and developing the inexplicable urge to remodel my spiderhole…

...I’d happily leap into an oncoming cloud of mustard gas!


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