Monday, January 31, 2005

Survivor: IRS

It has been recently announced that infamous 43 year old, bare-assed Survivor winner Richard Hatch has been arraigned on federal charges of tax evasion for failing to report his million dollar TV prize and related earnings to the IRS. As a result, Hatch is now risking a potential 10 yr prison sentence and a $500,000 fine. He has already handed over his passport and $50,000 in bonds to be released pending his trial with the U.S. Attorney’s Office of Rhode Island (with which, he has already pleaded guilty to two previous charges in exchange for a more favorable sentence).

Well, I guess that means that the polls are closed to determine who will be recognized as the first official “Tool of 2005”, huh? What a Million Dollar Meathead!

“Hellooooooo? Earth to Dumbass!”

Only about a 3 megazillion people tuned in each week to witness him actually WIN the million dollar prize! Sure, Vince MacMahon has proven to the world that the average attention span of your average blue-collar American citizen is only about 6 seconds, and that their instant recall memory is about non-existant at the best of times…but to think that the IRS wasn’t going to take any notice on your W5 was absolutely fucking ridiculous and unlikely! Shit, the IRS are probably still trying to squeeze airport taxes out of the Wright Brothers! So what the fuck was Richard thinking?

Sure he was able to “Outwit, Outlast, and Outplay” his fellow 15 survivors in Borneo way back in 2000, but I’d say that his cleverness has been significantly reduced since being rewarded with that cool million smackers. But who could blame him really?

I would expect that anyone who was granted instant access into a lap of luxury and convenience that can only afforded by those with similarly large bank accounts (especially those who survived a 39 day ordeal of hard island living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to get it) would also have the automatic right to no longer be required to use their brain anymore either. Hey, I know if I were ever to win a million-fucking-dollars, you had better fucking believe that I would be turning off my brain for the rest of my spoiled, privileged life (except in order to decide endangered animal entree I would like to have next, or to state my preference of diamond-encrusted sports car)!

Unfortunately for Mr. Hatch, his little unwise indiscretion is now going to bring down an IRS investigative shitstorm, that by the time it’s finished, he will have to legally change his name to ‘Ard Hatch’, as he will no longer even be able to afford the ‘Rich’ in his own name!


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