Monday, February 07, 2005

"Glazed Cat Barf w/ Baby Carrots"

Is there some kind of consumer guideline somewhere that mandates that all microwaveable frozen dinners must in some way resemble something that your pet might have just chucked up onto the living room floor?

I have yet to remove the box packaging and cellophane wrapper from any frozen dinner and NOT found that it already appears, smells, and tastes like reheated animal vomit (or fresh road kill, depending on what your choice of meal offered within is). You very nearly have to wear a blindfold just in order to successfully stomach the contents of your meal as you shovel it down your throat.

The good news is; that each time my cat decides to spew forth a bellyful of extreme nastiness, I am completely unphased. I could probably spoon up his warm retch off the floor with a wooden spoon and eat it then and there much easier than I ever could with any currently available Lean Cuisine, Stouffer's, Healthy Lifestyle, or Swanson's frozen dinner on the market.

Keeping in mind that these frozen dinners don't contain enough eatible portions to keep a chipmunk alive ~ after a few months living on these easy-to-prepare microwaveable dinners at work, you would develop the stomach lining of a goat. You could become so conditioned to eating shit that you could eat things that would make the most hardcore Survivalist green. I could now look at he most vile thing on the planet and immediatelyt scarf it down with nary a second thought. I could fall down on my knees and mindlessly chow down on freshly dropped fecal matter from the ground left behind by a herd of African Elephants and never so much as experience a single dry-heave because I’ve already eaten and stomached the Lean Cuisine 'Chicken a l'orange with Wild Rice Pilaf'!

"Superior Taste Guaranteed". My ass!

I think for those of us who have had to assume this kind of convenient nourishment in our lives on a regular basis, I’m confident that we are also conditioning ourselves to be stronger and more apt to fend off future diseases and infestation because our bodies will already be accustomed and equipped to handle, digest, and thrive on these less-than-desirable meal choices.

In an age where additives, preservatives, and artificial flavoring are running amok in our food products and being commonly used to represent and replace REAL food, how can those of us who regularly eat these frozen crap pies and convenient to prepare stir-fry’s ever go wrong? We’ll be able to digest things that will drop the rest of these uber-fit healthzoids are eating.

It’s survival of the fittest afterall, and I much more prefer my chances of surviving the upcoming nuclear Armageddon by building up my Immune, Digestive, and Lymphatic Systems now, so that when need be, I will not fall victim to the first tin of canned beans that I eat in the fallout shelter after the first volley of bombs drop like the heady naturalist who will inevitably suffer excruciating agony at the hands of a severe case of Salmonella.


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