Friday, February 11, 2005

Setting New Records in Land Speed Shitting

I was called out by ‘Work Force Management’ today at work for taking an excessively long “personal break", and I would just like to state here for the record, for all those Corporate moolyaks who have nothing better to do than watch the time clock for even the remotest variance in work productivity from any of the poor faceless rubes slaving in their assigned cubicles that I was, in fact, taking a much needed and necessary S-H-I-T at the time! Thank you very much.

It’s called a “natural bodily function” for those brainless nitwits who may not have heard of this naturally occurring function that is known to take place periodically as part of the necessary daily processes required by this complex machine we know as the human body in order for it’s very survival. In my case, this natural body function required my excretory system a total of 6 1/2 minutes to accomplish.

Apparently, is has been previously determined that 6 ½ minutes is much too long of a required time allotment with which to successfully and comfortably pinch a loaf while working within the walls of Corporate Hell. Oh yeah, no shit*?

I wonder where this pre-determined bathroom timeframe that is so rigorously enforced by my place of employment is outlined for me exactly? Is there some kind of obscure Labor Law that clearly defines the acceptable time periods in which I can shit and piss and I just missed it, or was this just another mandated detail in the issued company ‘Code of Business Conduct and Ethics’?

“Employees are permitted to take needed bathroom breaks during their regular work shifts. However, for a normal 8-hour workday, only 2 minutes will be allotted for taking a piss, and only 3 minutes to drop a deuce. An extra minute will be permitted for either bodily function if the employee is working overtime as outlined in Article 3:27-38 of the Canadian Labor Act.”

Who decided how long it takes me to take a shit anyways? I’m 32-fucking-years old for Christ sakes! You just can’t rush these kinds of things anymore lest I should rupture something while trying to play ‘Beat the Clock’ in order to squeeze out a shit and get back to my cubicle desk before somebody notices I’m past my allotted shitting timeframe.

Geez, soon we’ll be expected to wear colostomy bags to work or have to resort to using the waste paper baskets at our desks lest we should be caught taking more time than is allowed by the ‘Work force Management’ to perform our bodily business and save precious work time. Why don’t they just slip us Exlax in our morning coffees in order to speed up the whole bodily process so that they can be assured that we will be in out of the employee’s bathroom in one single squirt that lets loose instantly once we're seated like the blast from a high-powered firehose?

Surely, they don’t expect me to carry a stopwatch or an egg timer into the can with me so that I can accurately keep track of the time that it takes me to squeeze out a steamer do they? I’d say that's just something that takes as long as it's going to takes, wouldn’t you think? You just can't rush that kind of bid'ness, dig? What are they going to do, organize some kind of Bathroom Gestapo that kicks in the stall door regardless of whether you’re finished or not by the end of your allowed time? I’d like to see any one of those ‘Work Force Management’ idiots deal with the after effects of a poorly prepared ‘Whopper Combo’ from Burger King only 20 minutes after it has hit their digestive tract, in a mere 3 minutes! HA!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I like to take my time and settle in so that I can somewhat enjoy the whole experience as best as possible given the circumstances. Not too much mind you, as I am also keenly aware of other unwholesome bodily functions that have been perpetrated in the near vicinity as well. Basically, I am here to perform a job like any other. And I don’t believe in doing anything half assed**. Shit, if it was more acceptable by common society, I’d probably invite friends and family to join me so that we could enjoy a full-blown keg rager together inside the stall while I’m occupied.

THREE MINUTES? That wouldn’t be enough time for a diuretic gerbil! I wonder if there was some sort of intensive market research conducted by my corporate superiors to determine the adequate time required for a normal employee to take a shit? I’m not sure where, or by whom, this kind of market research would be conducted, but I’m sure that if 3 minutes was the result that they came up with, it sure as fuck wasn’t this call center! It would take most of these brontosauruses, including myself, at least a quarter of an hour to even lumber their wide loads to the employee’s bathroom from their cubicle desk, nevermind the timeframe needed to successfully complete the catastrophic events that will inevitably take place while in there!

I'm sure some of my work peers have disappeared into the bathroom never to be seen again, until one day they appear back at their desk with a twinkle in their eye like a much-satisfied Rip Van Tinkle. So where was this survey done exactly, an Olympic Track training camp or something?

“Carl Lewis was able to shave 0.53 seconds off his wind sprint to the bathroom, and completed his shit in only 2.37 mins. Somebody call ‘Work Force Management’, it’s a new shitting World Time Record!”

* Pun intended

** Yes, both puns were intended there to


Anonymous I Heart America said...

Heh, heh. Freakin' hilarious!

11:57 AM  

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